photo Relationships Work Stoke Your Libido and Heat Up Your Sex Life

Just what exactly is libido? It’s your sex drive, your desire for sexual activity, your appetite for sex.

Why is it that, generally speaking, men seem to hang on to their libidos while women’s wax and wane through the years? Here are some of the reasons:

Hormones – Think about the number of hormonal changes that women experience throughout their adult lives: Hormones fluctuate during pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, and menopause.

Stress – Women are famous for taking on the majority of endless household tasks, even when they work full-time; Not to mention responsibility for the kids’ schedules, doctors’ appointments, and the overall organization needed to keep the family functioning.

Lack of Self-Care – More often than not, women put “self-care’ on the bottom of their lists and prioritize the needs of other family members. Getting enough sleep and regular exercise is a chronic challenge for most of us.

Body Image – Besides the aging process that we all go through, women are affected by the changes to their bodies after having children. Weight gain, stretch marks, and sagging breasts are not aphrodisiacs. Then there is the present-day societal and media pressure to have the “ideal body.” Do you know anyone who has never been on a diet?

Relationship Strain – Marriages drift over time unless couples are aware that they need to consistently feed and nurture their connection. When couples have conflict and don’t resolve their differences, resentment builds up and distance grows. A couple may be unaware of the insidious emotional drift. When women are not feeling connected to their partners, they are much less likely to feel desirous of sex.

Medication – Anyone take meds for anxiety or depression? Antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs may decrease your sex drive.

Facing all these obstacles, it’s a wonder that women have any libido.

So how do you stoke your libido and heat up your sex life?

1) Appreciate what you are missing.
Sex is one of life’s greatest pleasures, when you have a loving relationship. It’s free; it’s a great connection between couples. It will make your partner happy. Many men have told me they feel their deepest love for their partner when they are connecting through sex. Women may not know this, but when we turn them down repeatedly, they feel hurt and stop asking. This puts the relationship at risk for drift and/or an affair.

2) Pinpoint and embrace your personal roadblocks.
Ask yourself, what are the roadblocks to your low sexual desire?

  • Hormonal, medical or medication issues? – Talk to your doctor, psychiatrist or gynecologist about strategies to improve your libido.
  • Overwhelmed and stressed? – Speak with your partner about a more balanced division of labor. Ask for what you need. Discuss a change in responsibilities for the kids. Brainstorm solutions. Get help. Don’t try to do it all.
  • Not taking care of yourself? – Go to sleep at a regular time unless there is an absolutely urgent “to do.” After a couple of weeks, you will notice a big difference in your energy. Commit to a Zumba class or hire a trainer once a week. Find a friend to walk with.
  • Don’t like your body? – Challenge your negative thoughts. Confidence is the new sexy. Most women are much more critical of their bodies than their husbands. We often hear from frustrated men, “But I love her body just the way it is.” Build your confidence by focusing on what you do like about yourself.
  • Relationship problems? – Get help. If you can communicate and work through the issues yourselves, great. If not, reach for help. Holding onto anger and resentment are absolute intimacy killers for most women.

3) Own your sexual desire.

  • Stimulate your sexual nature. Read romance novels, go to the “toy” store, tease your husband, initiate sex (men tell us they love that), take a pole dancing class. Learn about Tantric Sex.
  • Schedule sex dates – Not “in the mood”? Have sex anyway. Once you get started, you will become in the mood.
  • Go away with your partner, even for a night or two. Home is not the sexiest place. A different environment and time alone with your partner may stoke that sexy feeling.

Bottom line: Stoking your libido and heating up your sex life is a choice.

Does it take some time and attention? Yes, but you, your partner and your marriage deserve it. You made a commitment to love and cherish – and that means emotionally and sexually.

If you are in a relationship that hurts and feel disconnected, have difficulties communicating, and/or are experiencing a crisis, Bob and I can help. Call us at 410-363-2825 or email

Photo by Tumisu