Rachel began the session:
“Our lives are super busy, but I am living the life I always wanted – I’m married, have two kids, a career. What I don’t understand is why I’m feeling so lonely and sad.”
Rachel and Sam married 5 years ago, built their respective careers and had two children, ages 2 and 4. Rachel woke up one day and realized the emotional connection she once felt with Sam had faded. She and Sam were great co-parents and managed the household well, but they no longer had much in common except for the kids.
Gone were the times they would go dancing or have romantic dinners. They hadn’t been away together for even a weekend since the kids were born. The daily routine felt like a grind. She and Sam hadn’t had sex in six months. Is this how marriage was supposed to be? She was scared to talk with Sam fearing Sam might feel detached from Rachel too. If that was the case, what would it mean: for her, their marriage, the future?
When Rachel and Sam first came to see us for Couple to Couple® Coaching, they were hopeless that the strong, loving feelings they once had for one another could be revived.
This was the first time they had faced the fact that something was wrong. Rachel cried, and expressed sadness and longing for the connection they used to have. She missed the way Sam used to court her, plan dates, and do the little things to let her know that she cared.
Sam listened intently. She too felt disconnected. Sam recognized she’d stopped attending to the relationship and had not been communicating. Rachel said Sam had been increasingly withdrawn. Sam talked about feeling that Rachel wasn’t attracted to her anymore; that Rachel wasn’t into being affectionate or sexual, so Sam stopped trying. And neither of them brought it up.
Avoidance of conflict had been their way of coping.
They both realized their “disconnect,” and lack of awareness, had caused them to drift into a relationship that was more functional than fulfilling. They managed their lives rather than being present and intentionally nurturing the loving connection they once had together.
We told them, if they committed to consciously and actively working on their relationship, understanding more about themselves and each other and worked on building their connections – there was a great possibility their feelings of love and excitement would return. They could even deepen their connection and come out stronger as a couple.
Our work together over time, helped them build their head, heart and sexual connections. We talked about:
- Engaging and communicating with one another instead of living parallel lives.
- Understanding their love languages and how to best nurture and show caring to each other.
- Loving each other emotionally and sexually, and why both were vital to their connection.
Over time and with consistent attention to each other and the relationship, their feelings of love and attraction started again. Their new way of relating – being mindful and actively loving each other, facing and understanding their own and each other’s feelings, and communicating their needs to each other moved their relationship to a level of togetherness they never thought possible. They were grateful they had not given up.
It is common in this busy life for many couples to emotionally drift over time. Stay present for each other and show up for your relationship or marriage.
We would be delighted to support any individual or couple who has drifted. Don’t wait. If you relate to this, contact us now – we’re here to help!
Your relationship deserves the highest level of support. Relationship Experts, Bob and Lori Hollander are committed to helping individuals and couples build connection and deepen bonds in a world that often makes it difficult.
Call them at 410-363-2825 or email them today, firstname.lastname@example.org.
Photo credit Aramyan on Canva