3 Tips to Prepare Kids for a Blended Family
image Relationships Work blended families
I’ll never forget the first time I went to visit my mom and step-dad after they married. I was in my early 20s, residing at Rutgers graduate school in NJ. My mother sold the Maryland home I grew up in and married my step-dad. He had recently accepted an academic position at the University of Alabama School of Optometry, so they moved to Birmingham.I flew in to spend a week with them at their new condo. It was quite a shock to go from visiting my mom in my childhood home to visiting her in a condo in Alabama. Yes, some of the furniture from my former home was there, but it was combined with my step-dad’s. I felt out of place. I didn’t know my step-dad very well at that time.I slept in the guest room, woke up the next morning, got showered and dressed, and went to the kitchen for breakfast. My mom was cooking when my step-dad entered the kitchen, still wearing his pajamas and a robe. He said good morning and sat down at the table. A perplexed feeling came over me. Who was this stranger, sleeping in the bedroom with my mother, sitting at the breakfast table in his pajamas and robe? There was nothing inappropriate about it. I just felt it was a little too intimate.I recall this image and my feelings about it clearly, even after three decades. The only man I’d ever seen my mother with in his pajamas was my father. They were divorced years ago. But it still felt odd seeing my mother was with a new partner. The family that I had grown up in, was gone.Familiarity in an intact family is taken for granted. When there is a divorce and remarriage, that changes. I was able to sort through my feelings being an adult; it must be much more difficult for a child to experience these dramatic changes in family constellation.How do you prepare kids to become part of a blended family? Of course, each family, and each child, is unique. However, here are three important tips to help you get started:
1) Talk and Listen
To guide children through the stages of becoming a blended family, it’s important to have open communication. Talk to your kids about the what, when, why, where, who and how in your situation. Give them as much information as you can in an age appropriate manner. Encourage them to ask questions and answer genuinely. Listen to their responses and follow their lead. Ask what they worry about; give them reassurance that, above all else, you will be there to guide and support them. Spend a little time each day with your children individually to check in and create a safe place for them to express themselves.
2) Create Family Rules
Talk about respect, boundaries, chores, curfews, allowance, bedtimes. Share with them how discipline will be handled. Discuss how things will be shared, like the TV, the computer. Have family meetings and allow the kids to participate in setting up the rules so they feel a part of it.
3) Establish New Rituals
It could be dinner together every night, a family game night or pizza night. Talk about each family’s traditions for birthdays and holidays and start joint rituals for your blended family. You are actually creating a new family culture.Above all, have realistic expectations and lots of patience. Accept each child’s feelings as they are. They will all have different responses and adjust at their own pace.Blending a family is a process and it will take time - to find out what the kinks are, to find solutions for dynamics that cause conflict, for things to settle. Have realistic expectations and understand there will be an adjustment period for everyone. Blended families take teamwork. You and your partner will lead the way.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------If difficulties become chronic or you need help, reach out for counseling. We are here to help with these issues. Call us at 410-363-2825 or email info@relationshipswork.com.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Photo by kai kalhh