7 Ways to Put the Sizzle Back in Sex
Has your sex life become routine, boring, dull? Is your desire less than it used to be? Has the romance faded?
No need to worry. It happens to all couples in long-term relationships.
The "honeymoon phase" lasts up to two years. Biology has everything to do with that. When the relationship's new and exciting, the "chemistry" is hot. Helen Fisher, Ph.D., biological anthropologist, describes three stages of falling in love:
Lust, the strong desire for sex, is driven by Testosterone and Estrogen, the sex hormones;
Attraction, feeling consumed with thoughts of your new partner, is fueled by Dopamine, Norepinephrine and Serotonin;
Attachment, the bond of long-term commitment, is sustained by Oxytocin and Vasopressin.
In the stage of Lust, romance and desire roll along without any help. But once the newness wears off and the Attachment stage is entered, couples need to “do something” to stimulate the spark and create the sizzle. It won’t happen all by itself.
Here are 7 Ways to Put the Sizzle Back in Sex:
(inside or outside the bedroom)
1) Make sex a priority.
With our busy lives, many couples leave sex for last and then are too tired or not in the mood. Avoidance of sex just creates more avoidance. Lack of sexual intimacy will lead to a significant disconnection in a relationship. We see this in our practice all the time. When people lose their erotic feelings for their partner, they may feel like they are not "in love." The longer it goes, the harder it is to get back. Schedule time for sex.
2) Schedule erotic outer-course time.
(Outer-course is everything but intercourse.) Explore each other’s bodies, give massages, tell your partner what feels erotic, and where and how you like to be touched - soft, hard, fast, slow. Take a shower or a bath together and take turns washing each other. Use lotion.
3) Share your sexual fantasies.
Be bold. Share something with your partner that you haven’t mentioned before. They may have something in mind that you’ve never heard about. Act the fantasies out. Meet at a hotel as if you were strangers. Stretch your imagination.
4) Ask for what you want.
Often partners just don’t talk about their desires, or don’t give each other the information that would make their experience even more pleasurable, or are too shy and afraid of being judged. Speak up in a positive way. "I like it when you..." "It would drive me wild if you would..." "It feels great when you...".
5) Do something different.
If your partner initiates most of the time, you initiate. Have sex at a different time of the day. If you usually “do it” at night, try the morning or afternoon. Find a different place. Start anywhere but the bedroom. Repetition leads to the same patterns. Try new positions. Try Tantric Sex. Here’s a book we recommend: Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day* by Diana Daffner, CS, MA and Richard Daffner.
6) Create sexual tension.
Whisper your fantasies to each other in a public place where you get excited but must wait. Tease or talk about what you will do to your partner when you get home.
7) Go to a sex shop and buy toys.
If you’re embarrassed, wear a hat and sunglasses, go on the "off" hours. Or just be brave. Remember, anyone there came for the same reason as you. Bob and I went to a very large "adult toy store" in New Orleans several years ago and upon entering the sign said, "Don't be embarrassed. It's just sex."
If you or your partner are having difficulties with sex, seek help. Whether it’s low desire, medications that interfere with sex, hormones, pain, or fear of failure, there are experts specifically certified as "sex therapists." To find an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, go to their website.
If your partner is the one having problems, be delicate. Don’t start the conversation in bed or after a problem has just occurred. That’s too vulnerable. Bring it up at a later date. Be supportive. Sex is a team activity.
We wish you a sizzling hot time (in or out of the bedroom)!
We are here to support you in your relationship journey.
If you and your partner are having trouble communicating, call us now. We are doing online therapy for Individuals and Couples. Call 410-363-2825 or email us now if your relationship is struggling.
Photo credit Wavebreak Media Ltd
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