How to Avoid Family Drama This Holiday Season
image Relationships Work how to avoid family drama this holiday season
Many people are preparing for wonderful family events this holiday season: spending time reminiscing about the past, catching up on the latest family news, sharing meals, overeating, exchanging gifts, and most of all connecting and being present with your loved ones.For others, whose families are on the "dysfunctional" side of the spectrum, anticipating the holidays may create feelings of depression, pain and anxiety. There may be family members you don't get along with or who treat you unkindly. Or, who drink too much and become obnoxious or emotionally abusive.Have you ever experienced relatives who:
Brag about what they have or how well their kids are doing?Especially if you or your kids are not doing so well.
Are critical or judgmental about how you are living your life or how your children are living theirs?
Make hurtful comments to you, your partner or your children?
Are like "Debbie Downer" and only talk about the negative?
Act self-centered, only talk about their life and ask nothing about yours?
Play out old family patterns?For example, when one child is the favorite and the other is treated as second best.
Goad you or others into arguments about controversial issues?
Chances are you may relate to one or more of these.There are lots of things we can't control...But the good news is you have more control than you think. The way you choose to respond in any situation is where your power lies. The most effective and empowering way you can deal with any family drama is to prepare for it.
Anticipate the drama.
Prepare your responses ahead of time.
Practice with your partner.
Here are strategies to help you prepare for family drama:
1. Anticipate the drama.
If you have had family drama in the past, you can predict that those same patterns or dynamics will rear their heads again this year. For example:
Your cousin will brag about her kids in their Ivy League schools when yours are in community college.
Your father will be sarcastic and critical and put down your parenting.
Your grandmother will ask you why you have gained so much weight.
Your sister will be negative and complain about her life.
Your aunt will talk all about herself, and not ask you one question about how you are doing.
Your mom will tell everyone your sister received a $10,000 raise at her law firm, but she will not say a word about your success as a teacher.
Worse yet, someone may bring up politics.
2. Prepare your responses ahead of time.
Plan for what will likely come up. Think about how you want to respond. Prepare your replies before the event instead of getting caught off guard. Whatever happens, you can choose to just let it go, respond back, end the conversation, ask assertively for what you need, or walk away.
With your bragging cousin: Steel yourself and anticipate she is going to brag. Remember, people who have to show off are really very insecure and have low self-esteem. They must "puff themselves up" and tell others how great their lives are, in order to feel OK.
With your sarcastic, critical father: You can ignore him. Remember, his need to put you down is not truly about you. You can excuse yourself and walk away; or, tell him how you feel - e.g., "When you criticize me, it hurts, so please stop."
With your hurtful grandmother: You certainly can let it go; however, it might feel better to be assertive and say, "Grandma, my weight is not your concern."
With your negative sister: You can just listen and express empathy, which takes much less energy than trying to convince her that life is positive. You can't fix her. Just acknowledge you heard her and move on.
With your narcissistic aunt who talks all about herself: You can just listen and expect nothing; or, you can be assertive and say, "I'd like to tell you what I have been doing." If she turns the conversation back on herself, end the conversation and talk to someone else.
With your mom who brags about your sister's success: Ignore her and talk about your own success. Many people will think it is more important that you helped one of your students than that your sister got a raise.
With your Uncle who likes to argue and bring up politics: Contain the conversation and tell him, "This isn't the place to have a political debate," or "I'd rather not talk about this." If that doesn't work, just change the topic.
3. Practice with your partner.
Your partner can support you in this effort by brainstorming specific responses with you. They may be able to think of ideas that didn't occur to you. The next step is to role play with your partner about how you will reply to difficult family members. You may think this is unnecessary, but you are much more likely to pull up your prepared responses in the moment if you have said them out loud before.Above all, make a commitment to yourself to stay positive and not get sucked into the family drama. When you need support, find your partner or another supportive family member, and take a breath. Focus on what you are grateful for and spend more time with the people you genuinely connect with.Lastly, you can remember one of my favorite quotes from Wayne Dyer:
What you think of me is none of my business.
I've used this often.Wishing you a Happy, Healthy, Drama-Free holiday season!---------------------------------------------------------------------------You may also be interested in:How to Keep Holiday Harmony with Your In-Laws4 Holiday Survival Tips for the Newly Separated or Divorced7 Strategies to Survive the Holidays When You’re HurtingPhoto credit Viacheslav Iakobchuk