How to Unlock Your Erotic Intelligence
Bob and I just returned from a two-day conference in Boulder, Colorado on "Love, Sex and Power." Our instructors, Esther Perel and Terry Real, world-renowned experts on sex and relationships, were phenomenal. Having the opportunity to learn from them up close, interact personally, and watch videos of them doing relationship therapy with couples was amazing.One of the significant topics we explored was:
What happens to desire and sex in relationships after marriage?Is it possible to keep desire alive in long-term relationships?
Here are some of the many takeaways:
In ancient times, the institution of marriage had nothing to do with love and attraction.
It was an arrangement to procreate, build the family workforce and facilitate economic alliances.
Only in the last 150 years did romantic love became central to the marital arrangement. And only 50 years ago did the idea of marriage as a "partnership of equals" take hold.
Today, marriage is a communicative experience where couples share intimacy and sex, internal thoughts and feelings, anxieties and dreams. The couple is the center of the universe. Relationships are presumed to be monogamous.
Though historically, sex was seen as a "duty" of the wife, today sex is solely rooted in desire and passion. Desire is the "wanting" of sex.
Most couples experience intense desire in the honeymoon phase of their relationship. It’s new, exciting and passionate. You explore and learn about each other while falling in love. So why, after marriage, does desire fade for most couples?
Esther Perel explains:
Erotic sex has elements of novelty, mystery, discovery, the unexpected, risk, curiosity. Love and emotional intimacy require stability, predictability and comfort. Therein lies the paradox and the reason that after marriage, a "love-lust split" develops.Our pursuit of safety and stability clashes with our quest for passion and adventure. The result for most couples: the desire for sex with our partner fades.Intimacy needs closeness. Desire needs space.
The transition to parenthood creates, what Esther calls, an "erotic disaster." Our child-centered culture reinforces the love-lust divide. Attention is focused on children and family, and away from the couple. As life becomes routine, so do intimacy and sex. The desire, "the wanting," disappears.How do partners prevent this from happening? The answer lies with each couple figuring out how to juggle these two needs. Partners need to negotiate their dual needs for safety and stability with their wish for excitement, mystery and adventure.It's vital to communicate about sex, explore fantasies, try something new and daring that will fan the flames of desire.Listen to Esther's video, How to Unlock Your Erotic Intelligence, to hear her describe how we reconcile love and desire.
Let us know your thoughts about Esther Perel on our Facebook page.If you are not in a relationship and want to be, we can coach you to find a partner.For those of you in relationships, experiencing difficulty, we are here to help.Call us at 410-363-2825 or email us for more information.