I Love Him, But I’m Not 'In-Love' - The 5 Keys to 'Fall Back In-Love'
Sometimes it feels like Groundhog Day. I get the same phone call - different couple, different circumstances, but the same story:
My wife and I have been married for 12 years. Our kids are 7 and 10. I worked hard to become a partner in my law firm and in the process, I now realize I ignored my wife. She came to me over the years asking if we could spend more time together, but I didn’t get it. I blamed her for complaining. After all, I was a good provider; she got to stay home with the kids; we had a nice house; what else could she want?Last week, I picked up my wife’s phone and I saw text messages from a guy I didn’t know. I confronted her and she said she met someone when she was out with her girlfriends. He bought her a drink and he listened to her. He showed interest in who she was. She said she felt alive again, feelings she hadn’t felt in years. They met again and they kissed. Supposedly she hasn’t slept with him.I asked her if she loved me. She said she loves me as a person, but isn’t 'in love' anymore. She agreed to come to counseling.
I feel the pain of the stranger on the other end of the line pouring his heart out. He fell asleep at the wheel of his marriage and didn’t realize it. His wife attempted to wake him up but either she couldn’t or she didn’t speak up loud enough. It wasn’t anyone’s fault; it was just sad.
When they came for their first appointment with me and Bob, for Couple to Couple® Coaching, we listened to each partner’s story. She said to her husband,"I love you but I’m not 'in-love'."I asked her to explain further. She said, “I care about you as a person, as the parent of our children, but I don’t feel connected to you emotionally or sexually.”They asked, ‘Can you help us? Can our marriage be saved? Can couples fall back 'in love'?" Our resounding answer was yes, if you do the work.What does it take to move a relationship from doing the business of the household to feeling “in-love” again? We explained 5 keys to "fall back 'in-love'":1) Grow In-Love.“Falling in-love” is what happens in the beginning. We don’t try to fall in love - it just happens. After the honeymoon, it takes effort. You have to change the phrase “falling in-love” to “Growing In-Love.” This means consciously nurturing and feeding the emotional and sexual connections.2) Start a new relationship.Marital crisis can be an awakening; an opportunity to renew and expand your connections; a launching point to create more depth. Learn more about how your partner’s needs have changed over the years. Share what’s missing. Talk about your vision of what would create a deeper relationship moving forward.3) Communicate about your emotional and sexual desires.Explore each other’s love languages. Ask for what you desire. Seek deeper understanding about what makes your partner feel loved. Listen to and validate each other’s needs.4) Remember love is a verb.Relationships don’t grow by themselves. We have to put forth effort to change habits, to create new rituals of love, to check in with our partner about what’s working and what’s not. When you actively love your partner, you feel more loving.5) Be patient and persevere.Change and growth happens over time. In our world where instant gratification is the norm, we have to look at this as a work in progress. Encourage your partner by appreciating their efforts. Don’t give up.
“In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is…a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must BE tender, understanding, forgiving and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you will become more constant in your feelings. This is what can happen if you decide to love.” ~Timothy Keller
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