Once Damaged, Can Trust Be Rebuilt?
image Relationships Work can you rebuild trust
Hopeless. The one word that describes most couples seeking our help, after trust has been broken. In their first session, people find it hard to imagine that they can ever rebuild trust. The wound is still fresh and very deep. Some are still reeling from the shock of their relationship injury. Most people feel traumatized, especially if they have been married for years, have kids, and had no idea about the betrayal.You may assume I’m referring to someone learning their partner had, or is having, an affair. That is one type of betrayal, but loss of trust comes in all shapes and sizes. Other types of betrayal that harm relationships include:
Discovering your partner spent money without your knowledge;
Finding out she has been abusing drugs or alcohol;
Learning that he lost his job and has been pretending to go to work;
Forgetting an anniversary or birthday;
Not keeping a promise;
Lying about anything – big or small;
Putting work or other activities before your partner;
Finding pornography on his computer; and/or,
Being criticized or put-down by your partner in public.
Trust can be broken in one fell swoop, or it can happen gradually and insidiously over time. It can happen right before your eyes or it can be hidden. No one wants to believe their loving partner could or would hurt them, so we are reluctant to pay attention to clues that may be right in front of us. Denial is a very strong defense against pain.
Once damaged, can trust be rebuilt?
However big or small the offense, the answer is yes and no. Yes, you and your partner can do the work to repair and deepen the relationship and learn to trust again, if both are willing. No, in that the "naïve trust" we have in partners, at the start of relationships, will never be the same.What makes the difference between couples who can rebuild trust and those who can’t? Vital factors include:
Determination - Each partner’s degree of devotion to doing their part of the work. The betrayed has to be vulnerable again and work toward forgiveness, letting go of their anger. The betrayer has to agree to consistently do whatever it takes for their partner to trust themagain.
Insight - Partners must figure out: What happened? What led to the breach? "Why" or "How" did our relationship get here? What was my part in the function or dysfunction of the relationship? What is my part of the repair? There isn’t one answer; many different factors are at play. Each partner must own and take responsibility for their portion.
Resilience – Partners need the emotional strength to persevere through the tough times, especially in the beginning. They must be willing and able to face and endure the pain, and the fear of being vulnerable.
Hope. Is what we give couples in therapy. People who see us generally have experienced a large breach of trust . Therapy supports people’s determination to fight for their relationship, enlightens partners to gain insight into what happened, and builds the resilience of individuals and couples to move their relationship to a deeper place, where they find a richer connection than they had before.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------If you are in a relationship that hurts and feel disconnected, have difficulties communicating, and/or are experiencing a crisis, Bob and I can help. Call us at 410-363-2825 or email info@relationshipswork.com.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Image Copyright: fabianaponzi / 123RF Stock Photo