Survival Strategies After Leaving a Toxic Relationship

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together. ~Unknown

photo relationships work toxic relationship african american woman sits and thinks

Here’s a peek inside the mind of a person who just left a toxic relationship:I finally did it. I left the toxic relationship that’s been hurting and holding me back for years. Now what? It was so hard to make the decision to leave; it feels even harder to imagine the future. What lies ahead for me, and for the kids? How am I going to make this work?My self-esteem is at an all-time low. I’m alone. Everything has changed. Even though it was bad, at least I knew what to expect. The unknown is staring me in the face. The fear is overwhelming.I wonder if I made the right decision. There were some good parts of the relationship. My head is playing tug of war. It knows I did the right thing, but my heart aches for the familiar. Even though he wasn’t good to me, I miss him.Before I was depressed; now I’m more anxious. I feel so guilty about the kids. Am I being selfish? Wouldn’t a good mom put them first and suffer in silence? I stayed as long as I could, I swear. I couldn’t take the lying anymore, the inappropriate texts I found on his cell phone. His anger and defensiveness were constant. There was no talking to him. I tried my best. The kids will adjust.These are some of the thoughts and feelings expressed by clients I see after they have made the painful, often excruciating decision to leave a toxic relationship, especially if they have kids. It may have seemed “obvious” to the rest of the world that this couple should have split up, but what others don’t understand is that the decision to leave starts an avalanche of dramatic changes. The course of many people’s lives is changed forever.It is the death of a family unit; an emotional upheaval for adults and children. The long negotiation of alimony, custody and visitation has only just begun. It’s the beginning of an arrangement where you may only see your kids part of the time.There’s a shift or possibly an end to relationships with your ex’s extended family. The tremendous financial consequences often create a dramatic decrease in lifestyle. Family homes may need to be sold. Friends may be lost as most pick a side. There are no single friends.You may receive lots of empathy, but people have their own lives to live. They don’t want to hear about your sadness over and over. The feelings of loneliness, anxiety and depression can be intense, even when this is what you wanted.Where does a person start to survive this perilous time? Here are six steps that may help:1) Practice self-care.Chances are you haven’t been taking great care of your “self.” Now’s the time. It could be taking a bath, going for a massage, buying a new outfit, starting to meditate, exercise – anything that is just for you and brings peace into your life.2) Gather your support system.Contact family, friends and others who care about you. Tell them this is a rough time and ask for their support. People around you may not know what you need. They may think you want to be left alone, when actually you’d prefer to connect with others. If you have a limited support system there are groups or meetups available such as Changing Focus in Maryland. And of course, you can always contact a therapist and create a safe space to talk about all your feelings.3) Allow your feelings to flow.Let your feelings out. Don’t try to hide or suppress them. When you pour the tears out, and share your pain with others, you will begin to feel better. For most people, the first one to two weeks are the hardest. Try to stay away from habits that suppress your feelings such as emotional eating, alcohol, drugs or other behavior that may soothe the pain momentarily. You will regret it later.4) Journal.Keep a journal nearby. When you have thoughts that go around and around in your mind, write them down. It could be in the form of a diary. It could be letters to the person who hurt you (not for the purpose of sending them). The goal is to release the emotions: to feel “as if” you have told them.5) Stay busy.Keep yourself busy with activities, work, going out with friends and family, read self-help books about healing from the loss of a toxic relationship. We recommend the following:I Am Free: Healing Stories About Surviving Toxic Relationships With Narcissists And Sociopaths by Bree Bonchay, LCSWHealing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse by Shannon Thomas, LCSWPOWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse: A Collection of Essays on Malignant Narcissism and Recovery from Emotional Abuse by Shahida Arabi6) Remember, time will help heal.There is no substitute for time. By itself, time won’t heal; it’s what you choose to do in that time that makes the difference. So ask yourself, What is the best use of my time now?If you are ending a relationship that hurts, and need support, Bob and I can help. Call us at 410-363-2825 or email info@relationshipswork.com.Image Copyright Hasan Shaheed