The Elusive Quest For Intimacy
The pursuit of intimacy is everywhere – Looking for love is a familiar theme in movies, television, books and magazines, not to mention finding love online. Most of us are either in a significant relationship or are searching for one.This fact leads to a few important questions:
- Why are love, sex and connection such a central theme in our lives?
- What exactly is intimacy in a romantic relationship?
- How do we become truly intimate with our partner?
These are the Relate 360° questions we will explore this month from the perspective of two relationship counselors who work to create intimacy in their own relationship and have made their life's purpose to help other couples build deeper intimacy for themselves.Why are love, sex and connection such a central theme in our lives?Once upon a time there was unity: Imagine visiting a place where you are more at peace than you ever could have hoped. All you need to survive and live happily – food, shelter and love – are waiting there for you upon arrival. You feel comfortable and secure, soothed and centered, happy and safe, connected and beloved. Your bliss and serenity are veiled by complete security and trust - very much feeling at "one" with your world.Psychologists speculate that this is how we experienced the earliest stage of life, being completely cared for, protected and loved – life in the womb. Two souls united as one, for a short time, but that seems like an eternity.Along comes your "Birth-Day." After being pushed and squeezed you are thrust out of "paradise" and for the first time experience feeling cold, hearing loud sounds and being blinded by lights. You are alone, vulnerable and scared - separated from the secure environment you came from. This would no doubt be traumatic and terrifying for a person with the cognitive ability to reason much less an infant who possesses none of the rationality that could bring understanding to his experience.Here come the questions: Do we spend the rest of our lives searching for that "Once upon a time..." bliss where two were united as one, embraced by full and complete love, physically and emotionally? Is this where our romanticized expectations come from - that relationships should be "happily ever after" without any effort or work and that emotional and erotic love equates to a lifetime of ecstasy?Most people spend their adult lives searching for the lost emotional and physical connection we perceive as bliss. Isn't this what we all long for? To escape the "eternal" loneliness by connecting, by loving, by merging with another, so that the solitary "I" dissolves into the "One." During sex, two bodies become "One" and we momentarily experience bliss. This is why love, sex and connection are so vital to our lives. Emotionally and physiologically we are wired for it. Our survival as a species depends upon it.What exactly is intimacy in a romantic relationship?The answer to the bleak picture of separation painted above is romantic intimacy. Romantic intimacy is the profound connection and synthesis of heart, mind, body and soul that is created when two people are committed to a deep awareness of self and partner, as well as to being vulnerable, transparent and genuine in their communication and actions. Emotional and erotic love blend together and a full relationship is born.It is vital that you strike a dynamic balance between separateness and connectedness in the dance with your partner. Negotiating that balance is key to cultivating happiness for you and your partner. It is the strength of separateness that supports the structure of unity. The excitement of feeling unity, comes from the perspective of individuality; you need both.Kahlil Gibran described this balance beautifully when he wrote, "On Marriage."
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.But let there be spaces in your togetherness,And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.Love one another, but make not a bond of love;Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loafSing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone;Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.And stand together yet not too near together;For the pillars of the temple stand apart,And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
How do we become truly intimate with our partner?Myth supposes that there is a "soul mate" out there waiting for each of us. A perfect partner who will serendipitously appear one day. When he or she does, you will feel immediately and profoundly drawn to and connected with this person. The relationship that develops is one where you will be able to be your truest self. You will feel understood and loved unconditionally. Sexually, you will be an ideal match. This will be the person you are destined to share your deepest longings and your life with - the one person with whom you are safe. In this paradise on earth, your bond will bring a sense of peace, calmness and happiness that is the most significant and satisfying thing you will ever experience in your lifetime.Now, if anyone out there can tell us where to find one of these soul mates, please write and let us know. We have found in our work with couples and in our own marriage that "soul mates" are not fortuitously "found," rather they are "created" by two people who begin with a strong attraction to each other and subsequently commit to building a loving relationship over time.Becoming intimate, being truly vulnerable, transparent and genuine with your partner is not for the faint of heart. It requires you to have the emotional strength and spiritual courage of a warrior who is committed to take on the difficult challenge ahead and never surrender. It takes a willingness to learn how your partner wants to be loved, emotionally and sexually, and to honor that. To succeed will be the greatest victory imaginable. The payoff is well worth the effort as it is a gift that keeps on giving for a lifetime.However, there is one major catch. This is not a one person job. It takes two partners who commit to this united effort. You each have a part in creating the relationship that is waiting for you and you can significantly impact your relationship at any point by changing yourself. If you focus on your thoughts, feelings and actions and reactions, you become the architect of your external and internal worlds.It's easy to give and receive love when things are going smoothly. The true test of a relationship is how you love your partner in difficult times - when conflict arises and your stable world feels threatened. When your physiological "fight or flight" instinct instructs you to attack back or flee, how do you respond? If you follow the commands of your hard-wiring, you may survive, but you are reaching for more than that as a couple – you are reaching for happiness and a return to that blissful state of being, that "Once upon a time..." connection.In a truly intimate relationship, at the very point where you feel the most fear and experience the greatest risk, it is vital to muster the courage to look at your great protector - your anger, and then allow yourself to see the world that lies beyond, something we miss over and over again. Respond to anger with compassion. Reveal your more vulnerable and genuine feelings of hurt, pain and sadness. When your partner reciprocates, this is where you become soul mates. When you simultaneously allow your deepest emotions to be exposed, expressed and shared, you reach the profound connection for which we all strive. The only other place that this divine union can be achieved is in the bedroom.Rumi, an 11th century Sufi mystic, suggests the following to his partner after a terrible disagreement:"Out beyond the garden of right and wrong, there is a field – Come meet me there."The convergence of emotional intimacy and erotic intimacy is laid out before us all, and at times we just don't or will not see it. If we are to carve out this difficult path with all its uncertain twists and turns, each of us must find the courage and discipline to do so. It is a journey that will demand your greatest efforts over and over again, constant rehearsing and perfecting, as you make your patient way toward that wonderful life that hearkens and is actually nearer than you think.If you are devoted, if you commit 100% to be your best, if you are aware of and prioritize the relationship 24/7, if you listen without blame, if you own your part, if you can forgive, if you bring hope, if you support, and if you can accept help when needed, you can create a deeply intimate relationship that makes you feel truly alive and becomes a still point in a turning world.