What Lurks Behind Couples' Conflicts

No couple escapes conflict. In every relationship, there must be differences sometimes.When couples say they have little or no conflict, we usually find one or both partners are not speaking up. Some people are terrified of conflict and avoid it like the plague. Others have low self-esteem and may not feel they have a right to speak up. Or they may be codependent, putting others' needs and desires before their own.The drawback of having little or no conflict lies in a lack of genuine engagement with a partner. It is the differences between us that create the passion. Having and working through conflict supports the process of growing your relationship and leads to learning more about each other. The couples whose marriages last are the ones who are genuine with each other and learn how to repair their relationship when conflict occurs, and hurts happen. Resolving conflict deepens your connection.Ever wonder why you and your partner argue about particular issues? Often couples have chronic arguments that occur over and over, with no ultimate resolution.

What lurks behind couples' conflicts?

Behind every argument is a feeling, and a unique interpretation of your partner’s actions, behaviors or point of view. After all, why does one couple argue about how much time they spend together, while another disagrees about how to spend money, and yet another differs about sex? The answer lies in who we are as individuals, how we are wired, and what experiences we have had in family and previous love relationships.The issues your partner triggers in you provide a window into your soul. They define and speak to your sense of self. If partners can harness this to learn more about their differences and why certain issues trigger conflict, they can deepen their knowledge about themselves and their connection with each other.

The Case of Sarah and Bruce

Sarah and Bruce had a loving 25-year relationship and raised two children who recently launched. They had always talked about their desire to travel when the kids grew up, and even made a bucket list over the years of the places they wanted to see.They came to see Bob and I for therapy about an issue that had recently arisen. It had created feelings of dissension and resentment between them. One of Bruce’s former college friends, who was recently divorced, called and asked Bruce to go on a "guys" sailing trip to Italy.Bruce was intrigued. When he told Sarah he wanted to go, her response shocked him. She felt devastated. Sarah said Italy was one of the places on their bucket list. Bruce’s response was "yes," and of course they could go there another time.When they presented the issue in our first session, they had been arguing about it for weeks and hadn’t been able to come to a resolution. Bruce said, "I can’t understand why Sarah has such a strong reaction to this. I want to go to Italy with her, and I also want to go on the sailing trip with my old friends. Sarah doesn’t even like boats. Our vacation would be totally different than this one. The sailing trip has nothing to do with ours. They are two separate events."Sarah expressed, "That sounds very logical, Bruce, but you don’t understand my feelings. Neither of us have ever been to Italy, and if you go there with the guys first, our trip together wouldn’t feel special. How can you not understand that?"I inquired, "Sarah, are you saying that if Bruce goes there first, it’s a reflection of him not caring about you?"Sarah replied, "Yes but even more so not caring about us, about our relationship. Going there together for the first time is very meaningful to me."We delved deeper into their histories. I asked Sarah if there was an issue from her past that was triggered – a time where she didn’t feel special to someone important. She broke down into tears and said that her dad left her mom for another woman when she was 11. Sarah had been his pride and joy, his special girl, until then. His new girlfriend became more important than her. She was devastated.Bruce listened with empathy. He never realized the depth of her pain around her parent’s divorce, and how her father’s leaving felt like a betrayal. He communicated to Sarah that he understood why him going sailing with the guys felt like a betrayal, as if she wasn’t important. He added that sailing would be in only one part of Italy and that they would not be touring or seeing other parts of the country on land.We then switched to Bruce’s story. Bob asked, "Bruce, what does the trip mean to you?" Bruce said, "Going through medical school and residency, I never had a minute to breathe. It was all work and no play until I was 35 years old. I never experienced the comradery that other guys had in their 20s. To me, this sailing trip is a chance to feel something I missed. It has nothing to do with Sarah."Sarah had never heard Bruce express his feelings that way. He was a rather stoic guy, hardworking and trustworthy, who had always been faithful to her. He had made her feel special in their marriage and she realized that her feelings were from long ago in her history, that they didn’t belong to this situation with Bruce. Sarah empathized with what Bruce had missed, never having known he felt that way. Bruce said he never realized those feelings until this trip came up.As a result of their deeper understanding, Sarah and Bruce agreed it was important for him to go on the trip. And they would plan their trip to Italy, so they could experience many of the cities and sites together for the first time.This is a great example about conflict not being about "right or wrong." What was vital to this couple's successful resolution of this disagreement was to dig down under the conflict and understand the meaning of their feelings about the issues and what it meant to each of them. They listened to each other and came away with a deeper understanding of each other and their relationship. It was only then that they were able to solve the problem.When you and your partner have conflict, dig deep to find the meaning that is lurking behind the conflict curtain.

Your relationship deserves the highest level of support. Relationship Experts, Bob and Lori Hollander are committed to helping individuals and couples build connection and deepen bonds in a world that often makes it difficult.Call them at 410-363-2825 or email them today, info@relationshipswork.com.

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