Why We Resist Spicing Up Intimacy in the Bedroom

Sexual relationships always consist of 'leftovers.' You get to decide what sexual behaviors you don't want to do, your partner does this too, and together you do whatever is left. This is how normal sexual relationships develop. - David Schnarch, Ph.D.Let's face it. For many couples, married sex over the years gets less frequent and more routine. In the beginning, it's exciting, new, playful, erotic; and there is a lot of exploration as we get to know a new sexual partner.As time goes on and couples share more of the everyday aspects of life - career, finances, raising kids, helping older parents - it's common for sex and intimacy to become another thing on the to-do list. Sex sinks to the last priority. There are more important things to do, more worries, less time and less privacy.When couples come to us, if they don't bring up intimacy and sex, Bob and I will. It's often difficult or embarrassing for people to talk about. But once we get going they're fine. Partners complain about being too tired for sex. Women often complain they hate their bodies. Men talk about sex being routine. Both talk about differences in desire.Bottom line is it's an opportunity for change, to bring back the eroticism of sex, to try some new things, to add some excitement and passion, to spice it up. That’s when the big "R" rears its head - Resistance.Why do we resist trying something new, spicing things up? It feels good; it's pleasurable and it's free. The answer is not logical, it's emotional.Spicing things up means change, being vulnerable, doing things that push the limits you've created, facing body image issues, letting go, making time, being judged as a sexual partner. Of course there's resistance.To expand on this, I refer to Dr. David Schnarch, world-renowned sex and marital therapist, and international best-selling author. In his article, "Sex and Self-Development Between The Sheets," he says:

Sexual novelty is always introduced unilaterally. The solution to sexual boredom involves stepping outside your familiar repertoire and creating novelty. This raises your anxiety, challenges your identity, and shakes up your relationship.Common sense says if you're bored with your sexual relationship, suggest something new. (Dummy!) Why don't you try a new behavior or position, or change your sexual routine, like the experts say? It's because you know your partner better than the experts do, and you know whatever you have in mind, your partner is not going to applaud! He or she is not going to say, "Thanks for sharing! That's a great idea! Let's do it right away!

Going forward always creates anxiety.

• You have to do things you've never done before (or never done together), whether it's talking about what you want to do in bed or doing it when you get there.
• You have to show a side of your sexual self you haven't revealed to your partner.
• You have to walk into things that make you nervous rather than expecting your partner never to ask you to do what makes you nervous.
• You don't get to sit back until you're feeling safe and secure, sure of yourself, and immune from rejection.
• You have to step up and address difficult and scary things while you're insecure.

Creating sexual novelty and curing sexual boredom requires standing on your own two feet, without expecting or getting your partner's encouragement and validation. This tests and stretches your ability to keep your emotional equilibrium in important relationships.This not only applies to you if you're making the new suggestion, it applies to your partner too. Both people have to walk into their anxiety.

• The initiator of new behaviors has to hold onto Self, step up and propose something new, without expecting partner's approval and not being surprised if partner overreacts.
• The recipient of the proposal has to hold onto Self, not get over-reactive. Both partners have to be willing to go through a somewhat awkward and potentially tense and difficult conversation to get to a moment of new peace and new pleasure.
• Both of you have to keep yourselves from overreacting. You have to keep your reflected sense of self under control (e.g., "Are you saying I'm not good in bed?!"). You have to stay focused on what's really important.

So how do we get started? The first step is to invite your partner to communicate about this in a non-judgmental and loving way. It could be... "I read an interesting article I wanted to share with you" to open up the dialogue. Talk about your own anxiety. Be anxious together.Vulnerability leads us to the greatest connection with our partners, and to more understanding and acceptance of ourselves. It is through the relationship that you will ultimately find more of your "Self."Image Copyright Dmitriy Shironosov