3 Keys to Keep Your Relationship Charged
Marriage shouldn't be this much work.
She knows I love her. Why do I have to take her on "dates"?
My parents didn't "work" on their marriage and they've been together for years.
Why do we have to plan sex? Don't most couples have less sex after kids?
These are some of the complaints I hear every day. One of the biggest myths about relationships is: once you fall in love, get married and build a life together, you automatically stay in love.Where did that belief come from? Maybe from our parents' generation. Before computers, the internet and cell phones, life was much simpler. The workplace consisted of mostly men, so there was less opportunity to work closely with the opposite sex; therefore, less temptation to be vulnerable to the slippery slope of affairs. Most pornography was in the form of magazines like Playboy and X-rated movies. There was so much less erotic stimulation in day-to-day life. Couples turned toward each other to fulfill their emotional and sexual needs.Today, many affairs start in the workplace. Women have work-husbands and men have work-wives. Cell phones make it easy connect, share erotic pictures and texts, and then delete the evidence. On the internet there are endless ways to find pornography and others who want to have affairs. Not to mention the sexual stimulation that bombards us daily in the media.Years ago, most children expected to grow up, get married, have a couple of kids, and stay married. That is not the case today. There are many more options. Less people are getting married, and when they do, they are much older. There is a strong belief that the family unit is not as important as the individual's needs.Couples have to determine what "cheating" means. Is it looking at pornography, or talking sexually to a stranger online, or flirting over text, or going to a strip club? The boundaries are less well-defined or clear, until a problem arises.The purpose of marriage is no longer functional. Its purpose today is love, satisfying connection, companionship – all things that are intangible and related to feelings. Without conscious feeding and nurturance feelings change.
Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something you get. It's something you do. It's the way you love your partner every day. - Barbara De Angelis
The truth is: maintaining a marriage is work. "Staying in love," keeping the connection charged, takes effort, awareness and mindfulness. With the busyness and stress of life today, couples will drift apart if they are not attentive to their emotional and sexual connections.Here are 3 keys to keep your relationship charged:
1) Create a safe space where each partner has the opportunity to be vulnerable.
Have regular dialogue about:
What you need from each other;
How you want to be loved;
Difficulties and conflict in the relationship;
What's going well in the relationship;
Your satisfaction with your sex life.
2) Do connecting things:
If you want to feel connected, do connecting things. Pay attention and be mindful of the day-to-day little things that make a big difference. It lets the other person know you see them, you care, you are paying attention to who they are and what they like. It sends the message they are important.
3) Actively love your partner:
Make your relationship a priority. Help each other out. Plan sex. Otherwise, it may end up last on the list. Go away together, without the kids. Put as much effort into the relationship as you would anything in this life you want to succeed at.
Promise each other you will work on your marriage every day.
I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine.Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them - it was that promise.- Thornton Wilder, The Skin of Our Teeth
Your relationship deserves the highest level of support. Relationship Experts, Bob and Lori Hollander are committed to helping individuals and couples build connection and deepen bonds in a world that often makes it difficult.Call them at 410-363-2825 or email them today, info@relationshipswork.com.
Photo credit Vadim Guzhva on 123rf