5 Crucial Messages That Will Rebuild Trust After An Affair

"I am in desperate need of help for my marriage. Last week I discovered that my husband has been having an affair. I'm devastated. We have two young children. I don't know what to do. Can you help?"This is typical of the emails that Bob and I often receive. When an affair is discovered the betrayed partner feels like the bottom has dropped out. Trust, the foundation upon which a marriage rests and the very essence of the relationship, is destroyed. Everything that the betrayed knew about their partner and marriage is suddenly in question. At first, confusion and uncertainty overwhelm their ability to process what has happened and make decisions about what to do.Learning your partner has been unfaithful is not something you can prepare for. Many of us say, and believe, "If my partner ever cheated, I'd leave." But when it happens to you, it's not quite that simple. There may be children, extended family, years of history, financial issues that all need to be considered. Many people decide to give their relationship a chance; sometimes for the kids, sometimes for their family, sometimes for themselves.People often ask us, "How can trust ever be built back after an affair?" It’s certainly not a job for the faint of heart, or for people who lack patience. It takes guts; it takes time; and it takes work. It takes facing and coping with intense pain that challenges the degree of vulnerability a person can tolerate.Breaking the vow of monogamy in marriage is a breach of trust that's probably the most painful experience one could imagine, short of a partner's death.The opportunity to rebuild trust and begin repair rests with the unfaithful partner’s willingness to accept certain principles and communicate those to the betrayed. Here are the five messages we believe are most crucial to rebuild trust:

1. "I will do whatever it takes."I will make our marriage my first priority. Nothing is more important than our relationship.

The unfaithful person must be willing to put their partner’s needs before their own. Violating the promise of monogamy tears the fabric of the relationship. The betrayed person may request their partner do less traveling for work; not have contact with the affair partner; stop going to happy hours; block phone numbers; unfriend people from Facebook or stop using social media.I had one client ask her husband, who traveled for work, to leave his laptop on his bed with Skype open all night in case she woke up anxious and needed reassurance that he was alone. I am still surprised when a couple comes in post-affair and the person who had the affair is unwilling to accommodate the wishes of their partner. This is a must.The unfaithful partner who truly wants forgiveness will do whatever it takes to show their partner they are worthy of being trusted again.

2. "I will answer all your questions."I will be open and honest and hide nothing from here forward. I will be transparent.

The betrayed spouse will have loads of questions. They will want to uncover the lies, and process how the truth fits into what they experienced during the timeline of the affair. Their need to make sense of things through the lens of the truth comes from the unfaithful partner previously invalidating the betrayed partner's suspicions and sense of reality.It is vital for the unfaithful partner to be open and honest, even if they think it will cause more pain. The betrayed partner will ask what they want to know.Transparency and telling the full truth no matter what will build trust.Chances are the person who had the affair used their phone, email or social media to contact the affair partner. Betrayed partners working on regaining trust must be able to "check" that there is no contact with the affair partner.Sometimes unfaithful partners feel it is intrusive and an invasion of privacy to totally give open access to their phone, email and social media. The way we look at it is they've lost their right to privacy. There is an absolute need for transparency. If there is nothing to hide, it won't matter.The betrayed partner’s “checking” is not for the purpose of intruding; it is to reassure themselves they will find nothing.

3. "I am genuinely sorry I hurt you."I take full responsibility for my actions. I see, feel and regret the tremendous pain I have caused you.

Words may seem meaningless in the beginning, but they are a good start. When people apologize with genuine sincerity a conversation begins about deep feelings that were not expressed or received before. The unfaithful partner must allow the betrayed to express their tremendous feelings of pain and then empathize with the hurt they have caused.Previously, the unfaithful partner was able to separate or compartmentalize the affair. Thoughts and feelings about how their actions were affecting their spouse were hidden or pushed down, and relegated to compartments that walled off feelings of guilt and shame. Those compartments must be eliminated so that deceit cannot be repeated.Tolerating their deep sense of shame and guilt is likely the hardest part of this process for the unfaithful partner.Repeatedly expressing words of sorrow, regret, understanding and love, followed by actions will build trust.

4. "I want to know how you're feeling."I respect your need for me to validate your pain. I will put your need to express the hurt above my need to get away from my guilt and shame.

Over time the partner who broke trust may get tired of hearing about it. However, the partner working on forgiveness needs to talk about the affair over and over. It may take months to work through the pain. This is where the unfaithful partner has to stay the course and have the strength to put their partner's needs first.Listening to your partner's feelings, even when it's difficult, shows caring, love and respect.

5. "Tell me what I can do to rebuild trust."I want to know what you need from me and I'm willing to do just that.

There are different actions that convey trust to us as individuals. Listening to and honoring the wishes of the partner working on forgiveness will go a long way in building connection and expressing love.Keeping promises, being dependable and consistent with your words and actions will be the key to rebuilding trust.We have worked with many couples who have persevered, rebuilt trust and moved their relationship to a deeper level than before. It is clearly worth the investment.If you need assistance with emotional and/or sexual betrayal, contact us by phone (410-363-2825) or email. We would be glad to work with you and/or your partner.Image Copyright Ampyang