5 Steps to Bridge the Continental Divide in Your Relationship

Ashley: Honey, do you like my new shoes?Ryan: Yes, they’re nice. How much did they cost?Ashley: Why are you always focused on money? Can’t you just appreciate that I take care of myself and want to dress nicely for you?Ryan: I do appreciate that, and I also worry about our finances. How much were they?Ashley: They were $195.Ryan: What? You spent $195 on one pair of shoes?!Ashley: You spent more than that on a ticket to see the Ravens football game and we lost. That’s a waste. At least I can wear my shoes.Ashley and Ryan chronically argued about how they spent money. In their first therapy appointment they acknowledged difficulty coming to agreement about spending habits. They blamed each other for overspending on things that just weren’t important and devalued each other’s desires. It was as if they were on two separate sides of a “Continental Divide” and only saw the view from their own side.What happens when there is a “Continental Divide” between partners -- a mega-split between their active thoughts and feelings on an issue? How can they resolve their differences?In resilient relationships, couples work on finding a way to transverse their divides no matter what. Being able to communicate effectively is the key. Here are 5 Steps to Bridge the “Continental Divide” with your partner:1) Stop making your partner wrong and seek to understand each other’s view. We often get stuck in our own point of view and forget that our partner’s thoughts and feelings may be very different. That doesn’t make them wrong. Be curious about why your partner thinks and feels the way they do.2) Explore your partner’s side of the mountain by observing through their lens. Let go of your thoughts and feelings temporarily and make a conscious effort to see the scenery though your partner’s eyes. Allow them to share their view and point out what they see. Listen deeply and make it clear that you can see things from their vantage point, whether or not you agree.3) Ask your partner to join you on your side of the mountain and share the scenery though your eyes. Ask them to see the scene as you describe it, whether or not they agree. The process of becoming observers of both sides of the divide decreases defensiveness and allows both partners to think more rationally, rather than reaching the impasse of strong emotions.4) Suspend judgment and listen with empathy. Try to empathize with your partner’s point of view. Together, as a team, explore both sides of the divide. Focus on the issues not each other and not on who is right.5) Whether or not you understand or agree, acknowledge your partner’s view with respect. If you can’t relate to what your partner thinks and feels, acknowledge you don’t quite “get it” but that you respect their strong feelings about their view.In counseling, Ashley and Ryan came to understand that making each other wrong blocked them from resolving their conflicts. Ashley helped Ryan see that the way she dressed was really about her self-esteem and feeling attractive as she was getting older. Ryan helped Ashley see that it wasn’t just a football game; it was a way to connect and spend quality time with his friends, and relax to escape from the daily grind.Once they understood the meaning and value underneath their purchases, they were able to support each other and negotiate decisions about money.What continental divides do you and your partner have? You can use these five steps to understand each other’s thoughts and feelings about difficult issues and solve differences respectfully.Image Copyright Wavebreak Media Ltd