5 Ways to Dive Deeper into Communicating about Sex
The key to great sex is Communication.
Sex is everywhere…in the movies, on TV, in the news, on billboards, even in magazines at the grocery store. So…
Why is sex one of the most anxiety provoking topics couples talk about (or don’t talk about?)
Of course there are many answers to this question, but here are our top two:“Sex talk” arouses feelings of vulnerability. Conversation about sex has tremendous potential to create or stir feelings of hurt and rejection. For example, if one partner usually initiates and the other often says no, feelings of being undesired or rejected may result and ultimately the initiator will stop asking. Partners often do not realize how sensitive this issue is to their loved one. Eventually the frequency of sex will decrease or become non-existent.Sex is taboo. We may have been raised thinking sex is shameful, dirty or forbidden so it becomes extremely embarrassing to talk about. This prevents one or both partners from having open and meaningful discussions about what they want and like in the bedroom. One partner may fear the other will judge him/her.
Last week we talked about how to begin a dialogue about sex with your partner. We continue that conversation with five ways to dive deeper into communicating about sex.1. Start with the roadblocks. Invite your partner to communicate about sex in a loving way. When you start, acknowledge that it may be difficult or embarrassing to discuss. Tell your partner why it is difficult for you to talk about it and ask what the roadblocks are for your partner. Then talk about what you love about sex with your partner and what you would like to try or do more of. 2. Make sex part of a larger discussion. Ask your partner to reflect on your entire relationship - head, heart and hormones, instead of just focusing on sex. You can do this verbally or in writing and share it with each other:Head
- What I appreciate about our communication…
- What I would like to change about our communication…
Heart
- What I appreciate about the way you show me caring and affection…
- What I would like more of, to make me feel loved…
Hormones
- What I appreciate about our sexual relationship…
- What I would like to change about our sexual relationship…
3. Begin a habit of “relationship talk.” Create a weekly habit of reflecting on your relationship, including sex. Pick a time every week to put life on pause, even for a few minutes, and check in with each other about what’s working and what would make it better.4. Write about it. Keep a communication book in a central place and write messages to each other where you can be loving and flirtatious.5. Read about it. Read a book together on creating a loving and meaningful sexual relationship, and use their suggestions. Here are some of our favorites:
- Discovering Your Couple Sexual Style: Sharing Desire, Pleasure, and Satisfaction - Barry W. McCarthy, Emily McCarthy
- Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship - David Schnarch
- Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships - David Schnarch
- Rekindling Desire: A Step by Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages - Barry W. McCarthy, Emily J. McCarthy
- The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide - Michele Weiner Davis
Go get that conversation started.