Are You in a Relationship with a Narcissist?
photo relationships work narcissist
Amanda came to therapy to save her marriage. These are excerpts from the session:A month after I found out about my husband's affair, HE decided we shouldn't talk about it anymore. He said, "It's done; it's over, I stopped seeing the woman. It's been a month. We just need to move on." Why is that his decision? I was the one hurt. It's always about him. He has to be in control.I can't believe he's so cold about it. He has no idea how much he's hurt me. His lack of empathy is amazing.He said it would be better for me not to mention it since every time I bring it up it hurts me again. Of course it hurts me. He doesn't want to deal with my feelings; he tries to turn it around, as if he's doing it for me. He always finds a way to blame me even when he's caused the pain.Last night he said I should be grateful for what I have – a husband who's a doctor, a big house, vacations. But that doesn't make up for the pain he's caused me. It's not about the things I have or being married to a doctor. Why can't he understand my feelings?I asked why he wasn't coming to therapy with her.Amanda replied: He said I'm the one who has to "get over it." He can't help me. I'm the one who is still having a problem with it. I need therapy to heal myself. He feels fine.Many of us have been there – in a relationship with someone who "loves" us, wondering why we chronically feel hurt.Some of us leave quickly; some try to fix it unsuccessfully. Others just stay, for years. Dysfunction becomes our "normal." Friends and family wonder, "Why are they staying in such a hurtful relationship?"There are many reasons. The three that I hear most often are: not wanting to hurt the kids; being financially dependent; or, being caught in the cycle of abuse, not believing they deserve more.In practice, we often see people in long-term relationships who are emotionally abused. Commonly their partners are "narcissistic" like Amanda's husband. Let me elucidate.Partners who are narcissists have many of the following characteristics. They:
Always think they're right.
Feel superior to others.
Refuse to take responsibility for their behavior.
Exaggerate their achievements or what they have.
Need to be admired excessively.
Find a way to blame others for problems that arise.
Lie, control or manipulate to get what they want.
Insist on having things their way.
Invalidate others' desires and feelings.
Lack understanding and empathy for others.
Partners in relationships with narcissists end up feeling:
"Put down" – never good enough.
Low self-esteem.
Diminished or lost sense of "your-self."
Paralyzed or hesitant when making decisions.
Out of control despite repeated attempts to make things better.
Confused, frustrated, anxious or lonely.
Angry.
Clearly Amanda was married to a narcissist. All relationships have challenges, but when your partner is narcissistic, there's a chronic, never-ending sense of struggle. Since her husband refused to come to therapy, Amanda came on her own for several months. Eventually she found the courage and self-esteem to leave, since her husband wouldn't participate in healing their relationship.
A narcissist can't be faithful. This is because - to a narcissist - 'you' don't exist except as a mirror. When he looks at you, all he sees is his own reflection. Distort this reflection and he will go find another mirror. It's as simple, or as complicated, as that.- Tigress Luv
If you relate to this, talk to someone close or call us for a consultation. No one deserves to be consistently hurt in a relationship.Bob and I can help. Call us at 410-363-2825 or email info@relationshipswork.com.Image Copyright Monika Mlynek