Going Back in Time to Move Your Relationship Ahead
What do we learn about relationships from our families? Everything.
Lauren and Max came to see us after Max discovered Lauren's affair. Lauren was filled with remorse and guilt and wanted their marriage to continue. Max was willing to work on forgiveness, but knew they needed help. He believed he was a loving husband and couldn't understand why Lauren had betrayed their marriage.
In taking her history, we learned Lauren grew up with a father who was very critical. In his quest for Lauren to succeed, he set very high standards for her. Instead of this motivating her, Lauren felt she was never good enough. She struggled in school, and in third grade was diagnosed with dyslexia. Despite this, her father never let up.
As Lauren got older, she started cheating on tests to get better grades and win her dad's approval. Since he never accepted her dyslexia, the only way she was able to meet his standards was to lie. She never felt loved for who she genuinely was.
We talked about the impact of her childhood experiences and related it to how she connected in her marriage. She never felt she was good enough for Max and often said he could have found someone better.
Lauren had trouble being authentic in the relationship and only told Max what she thought would please him. She hid her unhappiness and the fact that her needs for emotional love and connection weren't being met. The only way she knew how to meet her needs was to cheat, just like when she was younger.
For better or worse, the relationships we experience and witness in our vulnerable years, teach us: how to communicate, how to connect and love, how to be intimate, how to cope with conflict, and whether to trust.
The family we grow up in has a profound effect on how we will relate to our partners. It is vital to a healthy relationship to dig down and think about what you learned from your parents and to be aware that you don't have to respond the same way in your partnership.
In therapy, Lauren learned she could get her needs met by speaking up assertively to Max. She discovered she was trying too hard to win his love and approval. When Lauren began trusting Max, she realized he loved her for who she was and didn't have to lie to appear "good enough."
How have your childhood experiences affected you in your relationship?
Share your thoughts on our Facebook page about the impact of "emotional baggage" on relationships.
We are here to support you in your relationship journey.
If you and your partner are having trouble communicating, call us now. We are doing online therapy for Individuals and Couples. Call 410-363-2825 or email us now if your relationship is struggling.
Photo credit halfpoint