How Did We Create Our Power Dynamic?
image the Power Dynamic
We teach people how to treat us.- Dr. Phil McGraw
An Example of the Power Dynamic
Lori: Why does it feel like your husband, Joe, has the power in your relationship? What does that mean to you?Sandra: Let me count the ways... He handles our bank account. He makes double what I make. He has to give his blessing if I want to make a big purchase. His job is more important than mine. If the kids get sick, I’m the one who has to leave work. If he doesn’t want to talk, we don’t talk. Last but not least, he thinks I should take on more of the household responsibilities since he has a bigger paycheck.Lori: I can see why you feel that way. From your description it sounds like he is dominant in many parts of the relationship because he is the bigger breadwinner. Where did he learn this?Sandra: It must be from the way he grew up. In his house, the man was the one in charge. His mother stayed home and took care of four kids. His dad worked two jobs and wasn’t around that much. So, his mom took full responsibility for the kids and the household. I do know that she did their finances, but she didn’t make big purchases. When we were dating she used to give Joe cash behind his dad’s back.Lori: She didn’t have control over financial decision-making, but she expressed her power by giving Joe money secretly.Sandra: Yes, that makes sense.Lori: You and Joe have been married for many years. How did your relationship with Joe develop into him having so much power and you feeling you have so little?Sandra: Good question. I never thought of that. I guess I did participate in setting it up this way. When I was younger I liked him taking care of the big decisions and the finances. I also liked keeping the house the way I wanted it. I never asked him to do much.Lori: So the power dynamic was fine for you in the beginning. In allowing him to "take care of the major decisions," he became the one who made big choices for the two of you.Sandra: Exactly.Lori: What did you learn about power in relationships from your family?Sandra: My parents had traditional roles when I grew up. But over the years, I’ve changed. I want to be able to spend money without him looking over my shoulder. I want to be able to talk and not have him shut me down. I want to feel more like an equal.Lori: That’s a great goal. Why don’t you ask Joe to come to our next session and we can discuss these issues?Sandra: I’ll ask, though I know he’s not going to be excited about the idea of therapy.
TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK ...
You can see in Sandra’s and Joe’s relationship that Joe seems more "in control." Joe took on this role, unconsciously, since that’s the model he saw growing up, and in the beginning of their marriage, Sandra accepted it that way. She assumed the traditional role in her marriage just like her mother.They didn’t sit down in the beginning of their marriage and specifically talk about how to make important decisions as a team regarding finances, children, and household responsibilities.Sandra is becoming aware that Joe didn’t just "take over" one day. She and Joe did what came naturally and this is how it developed. Understanding this made her less angry at Joe. She understands her part in creating the dynamic.Sandra left our office feeling hopeful and empowered that her relationship could change, if she and Joe were able to communicate effectively and he was able to hear and understand her feelings.Next week we will find out what happens to Sandra and Joe on their first session together, if Joe comes, and how to create a healthy balance of power.
Who Has the Power in Your Relationship?
We don’t start out our relationships with a business plan. Most couples have a general vision of what they want for their future together; e.g., how many kids they desire, what kind of house they want, where they want to settle down. But they don’t get specific about other issues where influence and power are involved.When you got married, did you and your partner know the answers to all the questions in last week’s article?
Who Creates the Power Dynamic?
The "Power Dynamic" in relationships is created by both partners. Each couple creates a unique dance together and relationships evolve. One partner can’t have a predominance of power unless the other partner allows it.Think about the power dynamic in your relationship. Ask yourself:
How did our dance evolve?
What was my part in creating the dance; and what was my partner's?
What did we each learn from our families about power in relationships?
How did it change once we had children?
What other significant events in our life changed those dynamics?
What is it about the dance that I would like to change?
***There is no right or wrong about power in relationships (except for abuse). If you are satisfied, that's great! If not, have a dialogue with your partner to open up the conversation. Be assertive about the changes you would like to see. It's not easy to make these changes, but it is possible with practice and perseverance.For some couples, discussions about power creates conflict. We are here if you need a third party to negotiate these issues.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------If you are in a relationship that hurts and feel disconnected, have difficulties communicating, and/or are experiencing a crisis, Bob and I can help. Call us at 410-363-2825 or email info@relationshipswork.com.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Photo by Alex Bocharov on Unsplash