How One Couple Began the Change in Their Power Dynamic
image how to change the power dynamic
Our previous article, How Did We Create Our Power Dynamic?, focused on how power dynamics develop in relationships. We shared the example of Sandra, who didn’t know how to approach her husband, Joe, about her need for change. This is our follow-up article that describes the session I had with them to facilitate their conversation about changing that dynamic.Lori: Joe, thanks for coming in. I thought it would be helpful to have both of you here to discuss an issue that came up for Sandra.Joe: That’s fine. I’m not thrilled about coming to see a therapist, but I’m here.Sandra: Joe, for many years you and I have been in traditional roles in our marriage, just like our parents. You had the "career" while I worked "jobs." I took care of the kids and the household while they were growing up. You took care of the money and made the major financial decisions.Joe: That’s correct. That’s what a lot of families do. What’s wrong with that?Sandra: There’s nothing "wrong" with that. We both chose to do it that way. We modeled our relationship after our parents’ relationships. And it was fine when the kids were growing up. I appreciated that you took care of the finances, and I enjoyed providing more of the care for the kids.Joe: So what’s the problem?Sandra: The issue I’m having now is that the kids are grown, and I’ve lost my job as parent. I’m questioning everything. I never had a "career" like you so there’s nothing to fall back on. I want to figure out the next chapter. I’m not the same person as I was when I was younger so it’s confusing. I have to find new meaning in my life.Joe: I have no problem with that. You know I’ll support you in whatever makes you happy. What does this have to do with me?Sandra: There are two areas involving you. I want our relationship to grow. I want more from it. This is our chance to have greater intimacy, to get to know each other in a deeper way. I want us to talk more. You often don’t want to communicate, especially when we have any kind of conflict.Joe: You know I’ve never been good at talking and I hate conflict.Sandra: Yes, I know. It’s been frustrating for me. I feel you shut me down at times and it makes me feel powerless. You control our dynamic. Would you be willing to work on that with me?Joe: How?Sandra: Lori and Bob could coach us on learning to communicate better and manage our conflicts, instead of sweeping them under the rug. Would you be willing to come for a few sessions?Joe: I can do that.Sandra: Great. My second issue is that I’ve always felt you had control over our finances, as if you "owned" the money.Joe: Well, I did, and still do make most of the income, so I should have more say about how to spend it.Lori: Joe, that’s a linear way of looking at it. Money is the number one issue couples argue about. Often, it becomes a power struggle between partners. I have a different way of looking at it.Joe: What is that?Lori: Each partner provides resources to build a family’s life. You may earn more money, but Sandra contributes more resources that went unpaid – her time with the kids, her labor cleaning the house, shopping, taking the kids to the doctor, carpooling, her strategic planning to run the family. Each partner plays a vital role in supplying various resources to create family life. And in the end, it takes all of these resources to succeed. Money is just one resource. It doesn’t "belong" to one partner or the other. It’s one ingredient that helps the family grow and thrive.Joe: That is a different way of looking at it.Sandra (to Lori): Are you are saying that you can’t put more weight on one resource than another?Lori: Yes. All of those resources are valuable and all of them belong to both of you.Joe: Sandra, what does that mean to you?Sandra: I want to take on more of a role with our finances and be an equal partner when we have to make financial decisions. I want to make decisions as a team instead of feeling like the money is yours and you give me an allowance. That makes me feel like a child instead of an equal partner.Joe: OK. How about if we start by going over the household budget and I’ll show you what our income is, where our money is spent, and how much we have saved over the years?Sandra: That sounds great. Thanks for listening Joe and understanding.Joe: I appreciate your honesty with me about your concerns.This is a great example of how a couple can begin to work through their power dynamics and take steps toward changing them.If you want to equalize the power in your relationship, talk with your partner about your concerns in a non-defensive way, where you own your desire for change. If you need help with that, we are here.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------If you are in a relationship that hurts and feel disconnected, have difficulties communicating, and/or are experiencing a crisis, Bob and I can help. Call us at 410-363-2825 or email info@relationshipswork.com.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Photo by Laura Margarita Peralta on Unsplash