How Intimate Are You and Your Partner? (Financially, That Is)

Are you financially naked with each other?Being financially intimate means revealing yourself fully to your partner about money - in the currencies of both dollars and emotions. It means being mutually transparent about bank accounts, credit cards, debt, investments, inheritances. No secrets, no lies. It also involves knowing your own deep feelings about money and then diving deep with your partner to share your financial self.This includes knowing your partner's:* Personal and family money history* Feelings, beliefs, attitudes and values about money* Philosophy about spending and saving* Financial positionFor some couples it is harder to be financially intimate than sexually intimate. In the beginning of relationships, we usually have sex before we reveal to our partner how much money we earn or how much debt we have.Why is money such a hot button in relationships? Why are we so secretive about money with the person we love most? What can we do to become more financially intimate?Money - The Biggest Reason for DivorceIt is well documented that an "inability to resolve conflict" is the number one cause of divorce. But conflict about what? Most people think that the biggest area of conflict between partners is sex. But it is actually money that creates the most significant and divisive problems within relationships.So, why is money the number one area of conflict for couples? To answer this question we need to understand the power of money and the meaning that it plays in our lives.The Power of MoneyAn online survey by the American Psychological Association in June found that 75 percent of the more than 2,500 adults who responded said money was the number one source of stress in their lives.In our culture, as in most cultures, money goes to the heart of our survival and sense of security. Having or not having money evokes our most basic feelings of control and power and exposes our greatest vulnerabilities. With it, we can provide for ourselves and our family and enjoy what life has to offer. Without it, we may feel deprived and "less than." It is a measure of our status and greatly impacts not only our quality of life, but our sense of worth and self esteem. We all desire the power to protect ourselves, to shape our destiny, to have control and to feel safe in a world that can prove very dangerous.In a relationship, our ability to accomplish this is intricately tied to our partner, who participates in decisions about how we earn, save, invest and spend our money. Accordingly, fundamental issues of trust, devotion and security that all relationships are built upon will arise. Being vulnerable to and depending upon another for your safety and security will raise feelings of stress and anxiety at points in the relationship; the degree to which this stress impacts your partnership depends on your present and past experiences.When financial times are tough - for example, you lose a job or you have two kids in college or you have to contribute to the support an elderly parent - anxiety, fear and doubt may permeate the relationship. If couples are not communicating in a healthy way this can weaken their foundation, create a gap between them and result in separateness and isolation. It is these difficult issues that test the very vitality and spirit of our relationship's connection.Since each one of us is unique in our personalities, our histories and our coping mechanisms, our feelings about money, the meaning it has for us and the way we handle it, are highly individual. Before we look further at the way money impacts relationships, it's important to discuss what it means to each individual.The Meaning of Money and Your Financial HistoryMoney goes so much deeper than what is in our bank accounts. It's a portal into unresolved family histories and generational history patterns. For each of us, rich or poor, money is deeply emotional and symbolizes:* Abundance or Scarcity* Safety or Insecurity* Independence or Dependence* Giving or Withholding* Powerfulness or Powerlessness* Control or Lack of ControlYour financial history and your experience in your family of origin create your attitudes, beliefs, values, feelings and habits about money.Think about the role money played in your family:

• Were you highly aware or unaware of your family's financial position and how much money they did or did not have?
• Was there a feeling of abundance or scarcity?
• Was there fear about lack of finances or were you protected from worries about money?
• Was there a financial crisis that was traumatic for the family such as loss of a job, bankruptcy, disability?
• Was there conflict about finances between parents?
• Was there a divorce where money was a source of struggle?
• Did any family member have a money disorder - a self destructive pattern involving money such as pathological gambling or compulsive shopping?

Whatever experiences you had with money growing up formed a foundation for how you think about and deal with money in your adult life and in your relationship. When you think about money, what feelings are aroused in you? Do you feel deprived, anxious, secure?Part I - Susan's StorySusan was the oldest of 3 children who grew up in a blue collar neighborhood. Her father was a truck driver and her mother stayed home to raise her and her siblings. Susan was keenly aware that her parents struggled to make ends meet; her father worked 6 days a week to support the family and her mom was very careful about what she spent on food and clothing. When Susan was 14 she began working, doing odd jobs to help support the family. She contributed all the money she earned to help her parents. What she didn't know was that her parents diligently saved money and over 40 years amassed a sizeable life savings account.When her parents passed away Susan inherited a large sum of money. Although for the first time, she was financially secure she still felt vulnerable and impoverished. Her emotions about money did not catch up to her reality. Her old fears about not having enough continued to arise and kept her from being able to spend and enjoy her new found financial freedom. She remained stuck in her mindset of being poor and financially vulnerable.Think about your financial history:* How has your "money history" affected you?* What issues do you carry with you about finances?* What does money symbolize for you?* How does this history affect your relationship?The Role of Money in Your RelationshipThe way in which a couple handles money together is a window into the state of their relationship on a continuum of healthy to unhealthy and intimate to distant. Where a couple falls on that continuum is determined by a mix of their feelings of trust in and respect for their partner, and the couple's ability to communicate, empathize, problem-solve, negotiate differences and work as a team to come to joint decisions and resolve conflict.So are you and your partner intimate financial partners where money can be discussed with respect and trust? Is there understanding and empathy for the other's point of view, where there is no blame, no shame, even when your points of view differ? Can financial crises actually become a "touchstone," an opportunity to build communication and enhance problem solving skills which will lead to a stronger partnership?Or, does talking about money result in chronic anger, blame, criticism, fighting or avoidance of the issue, pushing you further apart creating further disconnection and alienation?If conflict over money leads to separation and divorce, it exacts a dramatic emotional and financial toll on both partners, especially if children are involved.Choosing the path of financial intimacy and connection allows couples to benefit by building their communication and problem solving ability, resulting in deeper partnership. Given the right mindset and skills, facing financial issues and decisions together creates an appreciation for each other and the relationship and deepens the bond. It is also an opportunity to model teamwork and empathy "in action," for your children when confronting problems and contentious issues.Being financial partners requires both individuals to learn about each other's financial history - to begin to understand the deeper feelings that may have evolved for that person over time regarding money. It demands a supportive touch as well as deep empathy, validating each others differing points of view, and a commitment to continue working together as a team, honestly, authentically. In this way, your relationship's vitality is literally strengthened by any crisis, by the very difficulties that have tested it.Working together to create a feeling of financial security promotes closeness and intimacy and reinforces a sense of "us."Part II - Jim's StorySusan's husband, Jim, grew up in a middle income family as the youngest of 3 children. His father worked for the State, had a very stable income and he was aware of his parents' respect for savings. His mother worked part-time and contributed to the family income so they could take yearly family vacations. As the youngest child, Jim was not aware until his adulthood that his parents experienced financial hardship during the time his grandmother moved in with them after his grandfather died. As a child he was protected from financial worries.Part III - Susan and JimWhen Susan received her inheritance, Jim wanted them to move from a townhouse to a single family home with their two young children. It was very difficult for Susan to justify such a move in her mind. She thought the expenditures would be too great, as well as the economic risk to the family. She also couldn't bear to think of using her parents' hard earned money to make life better for herself. Despite all Jim's efforts to explain to Susan how they could well afford such a move now, her fear and anxiety from her past, and her guilt overwhelmed a rational appreciation of what her husband was saying. She also felt guilty about living a better life than her parents especially since it was not money she had earned herself.They came into marriage counseling after a big blowout about the decision to stay in their townhouse or move. Jim didn't understand why Susan couldn't appreciate the gift of inheriting the money that would enable them to live a more comfortable life. Susan felt Jim was selfish and wasteful, but more importantly, insensitive to the pain and fear that she was experiencing.In therapy, Jim and Susan gained insight into the fact that they were working in two different realms, not understanding the deeper feelings behind this issue. Jim finally came to understand that this good fortune was tainted in Susan's mind since it triggered difficult memories of an economically deprived past. Susan came to see that Jim's intention to create a better life for their family unwittingly triggered her past anxiety about money and caused her to feel abandoned by a once sensitive husband. Susan gained insight into how her history impacted present circumstances. Jim realized how vital it was to appreciate and support Susan's attempt to work through these past feelings. This allowed them to work together in partnership and make this important decision together.Becoming Financially IntimateSo how do we move in the direction of becoming more financially intimate? Here are some steps you can take now:1. Address resistance - If you are hesitant to do this, look deeply and ask yourself: "What is this resistance about?" Chances are you will find some feelings of fear - of being criticized, blamed or shamed about your finances. Ask yourself where in your history did you have that same feeling - did your parents trust you with money; were they critical; did they make you feel guilty about spending money? If history is getting in the way, acknowledge it and remind yourself you are an adult now and you do not have to carry that baggage forward.2. Assess your current level of intimacy - How financially open are you with your partner? Does your partner know about your:

• Personal and family money history
• Feelings, beliefs, attitudes and values about money
• Philosophy about spending and saving
• Financial position/assets
• And do you know about theirs?

3. Communicate by digging deep - If there are areas you don't know about each other, talk about them. Ask questions; be curious; listen and don't judge whatever your partner tells you. Have your partner do the same for you. Reveal anything you haven't shared before.4. Explore your financial history together - Share your earliest memories about money and the role it played in your family. Think and talk about how your money history created your beliefs, values and your thinking about money today.5. Talk about your financial goals - Look together at where you are now? Where would you like to be in 2 years, 5 years and how you are going to get there?6. Create a financial plan together - Agree on priorities. How will you save more? How are you going to pay for college? Where should you cut to put more away for retirement? What do you both want to spend more on?7. Make room for differing values - If you look at money as an exchange of currency to get what you value, and if you accept that you and your partner will have different values, it's easier to decrease conflict.For example, if you want to spend $100 on a massage and Bob wants to spend $100 on books, instead of judging what the other values, accept and support what is important to him/her.8. Plan for conflict - Agree on a way that the two of you can handle conflict about money issues constructively when it arises.An Inventory for Soul MatesAs we've said, how a couple deals with their finances is symptomatic of the depth and foundation of their relationship - and is a dramatic indicator of the deeper feelings each partner has about the relationship. Looking at how you and your partner deal with money is a way of taking a revealing "inventory" of your relationship.It illuminates issues of trust, connection, power, influence, support and the ability to work as a team in service of creating the life that you desire. While taking inventory of your relationship's "money baggage" can be a scary step, the reward is simply priceless - less conflict, more meaningful collaboration and greater intimacy.A New JourneyIt's heartening to think that these tough economic times could actually be the beginning of greater financial intimacy for you and your partner - a chance to grow together and create a deeper bond. So, as you each notice yourself becoming fearful or anxious, instead of letting the fear separate you, respond by grasping each other's hand more firmly, ever more tightly.Together - and it will take both of you - you can do this. It will require holding fast to the chance of being and working together in a brand new way in regards to money and more, maybe meeting each other again for the very first time.