How to Forgive in Relationships

“If you are going to pursue revenge, you might as well dig two graves.” – Chinese proverb

Forgiveness matters. For love to be sustained over a lifetime, we must be able to forgive.Inevitably in any relationship, there will be times where your partner will say or do something hurtful. Feelings of pain, sadness, anger, rejection and betrayal may arise. It’s common to feel overwhelmed by our responses and replay the incident over and over in our minds. The feelings intensify. The longer the situation goes unresolved the deeper the pain will be; and the more difficult it will be to forgive.Holding on to hurt and anger has been shown to lead to depression and anxiety, feeling consumed by unhappiness, health problems and substance abuse. It also undermines trust and intimacy in a relationship.We believe the best way to handle hurts is to take a cooling off period and then come back to each other as soon as possible to resolve the issue.Forgiveness involves:

• Taking the offense less personally; remembering that your partner wouldn’t intentionally set out to hurt you.
• Coming to an understanding of what occurred that led to the hurt, through each of you expressing what happened from your point of view and how you felt.
• Letting go of the anger towards your partner, after he apologizes, and re-connecting.

Studies have shown that people who forgive:

• Have a greater sense of well-being.
• Feel more in control of their lives.
• Are happier and healthier.
• Have better and more intimate relationships.

Bob and I practice forgiveness whenever we hurt each other’s feelings. It’s certainly not easy to work it through and let go, even for two people who do this for a living, but we can tell you it keeps the relationship positive.