How to Get Your Partner to Work with You & How to Make Changes Stick

Monday morning at the Hollanders office:9 a.m. - Megan comes to counseling alone, "I want to work on our relationship but my husband refuses to come to counseling. He won't even engage in a real discussion about 'us' because 'we shouldn’t have to work on it.' It feels like I'm the only one doing the work. What can I do?"10 a.m. - Bob and Lori welcome Alicia and Jordan, "We've talked about the changes we want to make in our relationship and it lasts for a week, then we go right back to the same old patterns we've been in for the last 10 years. How do we make the changes last?"Do either of those scenarios sound familiar?They are the two most common complaints that prevent a couple from consciously and actively co-creating their relationship - the first component in our model of extraordinary relationships. Without the active participation and ongoing conscious effort of both partners working on their relationship, the depth of connection can only go so far and certainly it won't reach extraordinary.An experience is not even possible without reflection, because 'experience' is a process of assimilation, without which there could be no understanding.
~ Carl Jung In the beginning stage of a relationship, couples believe they have found the partnership they've been longing for. Some people naively believe for the rest of their lives the feelings that exist at the start will carry them through their lives without any effort on their part. Others have the conscious awareness that through the different stages of the relationship, they will be actively working on their partnership as their lives change and new challenges arise. They recognize they will continue to work on their relationship as they grow to accommodate and negotiate the changes.It is crucial for "beginning couples" to understand that a lifetime relationship does not remain in a static state. It has a dynamic, vigorous energy, which is constantly in motion and a driving force of its own. And if you are not at the wheel, steering the relation-"ship" in the right direction, it can drift out to sea, lose its momentum or worse sink. It is much easier to set the stage to develop healthy relationship habits from the start than to change entrenched habits that have been played out for years.Couples starting out should talk about creating a habit of pro-actively working on the relationship. You can learn more about how to do this in our in-depth audio program, When the Honeymoon’s Over, the Real Work Begins. This program is a must-have for any couple, and especially those who want to start out on the right foot.Couples in later stages of their partnership recognize that relationships do not exist in still waters; their relation–"ship" has encountered smooth sailing and has weathered storms. If they have not actively and consciously worked on their relation–"ship", it may have fallen prey to the savage forces of wind, waves and water. They have forgotten it is their duty as captain and first mate to keep the ship on course.Although the ship hasn’t sunk, partners may have created habits that halt the growth of the relationship and are hard to break. They may have developed chronic communication circles, repeating their dysfunctional dynamic pattern no matter what the issue. Couples with more awareness will recognize patterns they want to improve and make attempts to change, but the new behaviors don’t stick and old habits inevitably return.Getting Your Partner to Work with YouWhether the relationship is young or old, when only one partner actively and consciously works on the relationship, it can’t reach its greatest potential.So how do you get your resistant partner to work with you?You start by consciously choosing your approach. Often the ways in which people attempt to get their partner’s agreement to work on the relationship are ineffective. Some communicate by talking. When that doesn’t work they try again. After several attempts the frustration grows and the talking continues but the volume gets louder and the tone becomes sharper, more critical and angry.Others respond by withdrawing or shutting down or give up and look elsewhere outside the relationship to get their needs met. Each of us has a limited repertoire of approaches with our partners and if he/she isn’t getting the message, we repeat in our habitual way, we receive our partner’s habitual response and create an even greater distance from our partner."The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." – Albert EinsteinSince there are many ways to get to this awareness, it’s important to increase your knowledge about how to gain your partner’s cooperation. The first step is to slow things down and not allow yourself to be hijacked by feelings of frustration that may have thus far controlled you.Before attempting to engage an unwilling partner in working on the relationship, it’s vital that you identify the cognitive and/or emotional objection he/she has to doing the work:What are his/her beliefs and expectations about relationships that are getting in the way?Does he/she have a fear of intimacy, going deep, experiencing vulnerable feelings?These are just a couple of the reasons that create resistance to diving deep into the work of getting closer.The next step, once you identify the root of the problem, you have to start the conversation in a new way, one that you haven’t tried before, one where your partner will listen. Your goal is to help your partner see the benefit to him/her of doing this work together. Most of the time, you will succeed. We say 'most of the time' because some people are just unwilling or unable to do the work.Speed Bumps, Roadblocks and BarriersAnother important part of this process is for you to assess the strength of your partner’s resistance to drive down Extraordinary Lane. Is the resistance a speed bump, a roadblock or a barrier? Speed bumps may slow you down but allow you to proceed with caution; roadblocks are a temporary obstacle that can be moved out of the way; barriers obstruct, limit and block you from proceeding.In relationships, speed bumps and roadblocks can be addressed by finding new ways to approach your partner, though sometimes a relationship coach or counselor is needed.If a partner puts up a barrier you may not be able to create change with your partner since he/she is stuck in old habits too great and too powerful to overcome or is rigid and just not willing to negotiate. At that point your choices are to work on changing yourself and seeing how that impacts the relational system, accept the limitations of the partnership, or, as a last resort, decide to leave.Creating New Habits That StickMost often by the time a couple comes to see us, they have tried making changes themselves and some have seen therapists previously. A big complaint is that they and their partner agree to make changes but the changes don’t last and things slip back to the way they were.As humans, we are creatures of habit and we generally resist change even if it will improve the situation. So when you choose to make a conscious change it is an uphill climb. It takes sustained effort and attention and you must endure the pain of building new emotional or behavioral muscles. This is no piece of cake. Old, comfortable habits call to us to come back. If we are not on guard they will succeed.So what is the formula to make changes that stick?We have developed a five step method to make changes stick. First, you must consciously consider: how strong is your desire to change? Then, identify and define the benefits. The third task is to face and understand your resistance to change. Fourth, you must plan and decide how to move the resistance out of the way. To set yourself up for success, create a system that will support you in your new habit. And finally, consciously practice every day until the new behavior becomes a habit.We have often seen times where new approaches have broken through and a resistant partner begins to work on the relationship and learns to create new habits that stick.To your relationship,Lori & Bob Hollander---------------------------Do you want to learn more about the "how-to" of getting a resistant partner on board and making changes stick?The audio program, Relationship Roadblocks: Getting Your Partner to Work with You & Making Changes Last, gives you more in-depth information and specific instruction for taking action on everything we've discussed in this article.