How to Move from Disaster to Master of Your Relationship

Lessons from Relationship Expert, John Gottman, Ph.D.“Sixty-nine percent of relationship conflict is not solvable. Couples therapy is about helping people accept their differences.” - John Gottman, Ph.D.John Gottman, Ph.D. and his wife, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D., are the most highly regarded scientific researchers in the field of love and marriage. Their 42 years of empirically supported research determined the differences between couples whose marriages lasted, i.e. the Masters, and couples who divorced, i.e. the Disasters. The Gottmans can predict with over 90% accuracy whether couples will stay married or divorce. Their findings have helped couples all over the world avoid becoming Disaster Couples and learn the skills to become Master Couples.What is the difference between being Masters or Disasters? In Disaster Couples negativity becomes pervasive. Conversations about differences quickly progress to high conflict and are difficult to de-escalate. Couples have a hard time or avoid repairing the hurt that is done.In Master Couples, there is an understanding that conflict is inevitable. They work towards managing conflict by balancing their own interests and the interests of their partner. Listening and mutual empathy are present. Master Couples learn and use six conflict skills:

1. Self-soothing - They understand that conflict creates strong emotions and are able to calm their own physiological responses, so they can effectively communicate.
2. Humor - They share humor to break the tension and create loving and healthy connections. There is more positivity than negativity.
3. Gentle Startup - They start difficult conversations gently with softened expression and tone, instead of attacking their partner. Statements are positive, start with “I” rather than “you,” and describe issues behaviorally not judgmentally. For example:
   • Harsh Startup - “You’re such a slob. You never clean up after yourself. I’m sick and tired of being your mother.”
   • Gentle Startup - “I’d really appreciate you cleaning up after yourself. Otherwise it makes more work for me.”
4. Accepting Influence - They make room for their partner’s opinion and point of view. Even when they don’t agree, they consider each other’s wishes.
5. Repair Attempts - They own their part of conflicts and work to de-escalate arguments. For example: “I’m sorry I raised my voice when we disagreed. I’m ready to talk about it calmly when you are.”
6. Compromise (agree to disagree) - There is a give and take, and a willingness to understand each other’s differences. It’s understood that one person doesn’t get their way all the time.

If you are using these six skills in your relationship, congratulations! You are a Master. If not, talk with your partner about working on the areas where improvement would help.Here are some other Gottman resources:Watch John Gottman talk about Relationship Repair that WorksGottman books we recommend:

• Seven Principles for Making Relationships Work
• Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last
• What Makes Love Last: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal
• The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage
• The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples

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