How Deeply Do You Really Know Your Partner?
Lessons from Relationship Expert, John Gottman, Ph.D.You’ve been together for years. It’s likely you think you know everything about your partner. Think again. There is always more to learn about each other if you ask the right questions.
Research at the Gottman Institute finds that knowing about, and making “mental room,” for your partner’s perceptions, interests, concerns, and history is one of the key factors that strengthens relationships. Deep understanding provides a strong foundation for what Gottman calls a “Sound Relationship House.”"Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. I call this having a richly detailed ‘love map’ – my term for that part of the brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life." - John Gottman, Ph.D.We have a challenge for you. Below are 10 deep questions. See how many of them can you answer. Then ask your partner to see how many he/she can answer about you. You may be surprised at the results. And if you're not, that’s validation that you intimately know each other!
- What is your partner passionate about?
- What makes your partner feel loved?
- How would your partner describe your sexual relationship?
- What is your partner’s worst fear?
- What baggage does your partner carry from childhood?
- What is your partner most grateful for?
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your partner’s life?
- What is your partner’s most treasured memory?
- What does your partner like best about himself/herself?
- What would your partner want to change about himself/herself?
The Gottman Institute has resources to help you learn more deeply about each other. Here are a couple of them:
- Gottman Apps for your iPhone will help strengthen your intimacy.
- Love Map Card Game will bring you closer to creating your own “love map.”
If you are in Couples therapy with us, we can refer you to the Gottman Relationship Checkup, a research-based assessment that identifies the strengths and challenges of couples and helps determine treatment goals for therapy. The fee is $29. If you are interested ask us more about it.Gottman books we recommend:
- Seven Principles for Making Relationships Work
- Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last
- What Makes Love Last: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal
- The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage
- The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples
We would love to hear your thoughts about John Gottman’s work on Facebook or email us at info@RelationshipsWork.com.