Why You Need a Monogamy Agreement with Your Partner

Lessons from Relationship Expert, Tammy Nelson, Ph.D.“A monogamy agreement?” you ask. “Isn’t that obvious? We agree not to have sex with anyone but each other.”If only it was that simple.When we marry or commit to our partner, many of us naively believe there is an implicit agreement about the meaning of monogamy. The reality is if you haven’t spelled out what that means, at some point in your relationship, you may be in for a rude awakening.In The New Monogamy, Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity, Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., writes about couples creating shared visions of monogamy, as part of the healing process after infidelity. She describes “monogamy agreements” as mutual, explicit agreements that define the behaviors and boundaries couples desire in their relationship going forward after a breach of trust.We wholeheartedly agree that this is a vital part of recovering and redefining a relationship after an affair. Let us go one step further and suggest that every couple needs a “monogamy agreement,” whether or not boundaries have been crossed. Every day in practice we see couples where one person feels betrayed by the behavior of his/her partner.

Mort’s wife, Ann, felt deceived when she discovered that Mort and his buddies went to a strip club on their golfing trip. Mort didn’t think it was a big deal because, “that’s what men do.” And, after all, he didn’t accept a lap dance like his friends. Ann said she had the right to know; that it shouldn’t have been a secret.

Sue’s wife, Dawn, developed a deep emotional connection with an attractive woman at work. At the company picnic, Sue observed Dawn flirting with this other woman and felt betrayed. Dawn said they were just close friends. Sue expressed that “close friends” should be friends of the relationship.

Sometimes partners clearly recognize they’ve crossed a boundary; or, they many unconsciously push a boundary, but rationalize that it’s ok. Other times they assume their behavior is acceptable until a crisis occurs.Have you and your partner ever had a deep conversation about what monogamy means to you? Where do you draw that line? Which of the following behaviors is acceptable or not acceptable to you?

• Feeling attracted sexually to another
• Having a deep friendship with someone you could be attracted to
• Dancing with a friend, co-worker, stranger at a bar
• Watching pornography alone
• Sex with a prostitute
• Having lunch with an attractive co-worker
• A hook-up on a business trip
• Flirtatious emails with a stranger on the internet
• Sexting with someone outside your relationship
• Communicating with a former boyfriend/girlfriend on Facebook

Tammy states, “Monogamy is no longer the traditional explicit agreement of our past generations.” She identifies twenty types of monogamy agreements that she has seen with couples in her practice besides traditional or closed monogamy. Some examples are:

• Internet Monogamy - Having online sexual relationships “with no real-time, skin to skin contact.”
• Suburban Monogamy - Participating in open sexual behaviors with other couples, all in the same room, from observational play sex, to parallel play sex to switching partners.
• Swinging - Having sexually open relationships with another couple or going to sex clubs or sex parties.
• Polyamory - Allowing more than one sexual partner with complete honesty, transparency and upfront agreement about the encounters.

Staying sexually monogamous in the traditional sense to one partner for 30, 40 or 50 years is not easy. Research shows that almost 60% of men and 45% of women will cheat at some point in their marriage. What does that mean for committed couples?In our view this suggests that it’s vital for couples today to discuss and negotiate what they want and need in their sexual relationship, and to not assume that they and their partner define monogamy in the same way. A conscious and mindful discussion of the boundaries and explicit agreements in a relationship may prevent the heartache that we see in our practice when assumptions are made and implicit boundaries are crossed.

“Often this [fusion_builder_container hundred_percent="yes" overflow="visible"][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type="1_1" background_position="left top" background_color="" border_size="" border_color="" border_style="solid" spacing="yes" background_image="" background_repeat="no-repeat" padding="" margin_top="0px" margin_bottom="0px" class="" id="" animation_type="" animation_speed="0.3" animation_direction="left" hide_on_mobile="no" center_content="no" min_height="none"][an affair] happens when one or both partners expect that the institution of marriage—or the explicit monogamy agreement in which each partner verbally or ritually commits to one another— is enough to guarantee fidelity. Saying ‘I do’ does not guarantee fidelity. It is not enough. It’s only the beginning.”-Tammy Nelson, Ph.D.

Tammy Nelson, Ph.D. books we recommend are:

• The New Monogamy, Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity
• Getting the Sex You Want: Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together

We would love to hear your thoughts about Tammy Nelson’s work on Facebook or email us at info@RelationshipsWork.com.Image Copyright Graham Oliver[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]