How to Navigate the Dance of Right and Wrong in Relationships

Ann and Warren had a huge fight right before their session with us. In their previous session we had explored how Warren responded to conflict just like his father; he shut down when difficult feelings arose.Just prior to seeing them that day, Ann brought up a sensitive issue, and as was customary, Warren withdrew. He was once again “hijacked” by his feelings and reacted the way he learned from his father.  When he became dismissive of Ann, she remarked,  “There you go again - acting just like your Dad!”Warren came into session extremely angry, stating that if he was going to open up in therapy, it was “wrong” for Ann to attack him in this manner. Ann contended that she was “right” to point this pattern out, and complained that Warren was blaming her for doing so.Trying to determine who was “right” and who was “wrong” blocked this couple from using this interaction to explore their relationship more deeply with each other.In session, we helped the couple transition from the simplistic labeling of who was “right” or “wrong,” or ultimately “who was to blame,” and moved them to understanding what actually happened between them in that moment.Ann presumed it was critical to point out these patterns for Warren if he was ever going to have a chance to change them. It was not her intent to attack Warren, but to work on the relationship. Warren’s first impression was Ann was indeed intending to hurt him because of the angry critical tone in her voice when she spoke to him.Lori and I helped make them both “right.” Warren agreed Ann should communicate he was withdrawing; Ann agreed she would give him feedback in a way that was not angry or critical so he could receive it.When they moved beyond the empty labels of “right and wrong” and beyond blame, they found themselves in a place of mutual understanding, and united in their desire to work together toward greater connection.Focusing on right and wrong or who is to blame:

• Complicates the issue at hand
• Signals judgment of your partner’s thoughts and feelings
• Polarizes the conversation
• Creates disconnection

Here are some points to consider when the issue of “right and wrong” arises in your relationship.Thoughts and feelings are not “right” or “wrong;” they just “are.” They exist as thoughts and feelings in their own right. Actually, all thoughts and feelings are “right” in the sense they are genuine representations of what the person is thinking and feeling.The reason we engage in this labeling is to simplify the issues, which are really not that simple. It is also a way to avoid complications and uncertainty if we dare to look deeper.Next time you and your partner find yourselves in the right or wrong tug of war, don’t focus on agreement or convincing your partner of the “rightness” of your position, but rather on understanding and clarifying each other’s point of view.The engagement of contrary thoughts and feelings offers the most promising occasion for connection and for the development of trust and good decision-making. Working through divergent personal perceptions, can make relationships stronger by effectively broadening our understanding of our partners and ourselves.Validation of our partner’s thoughts and feelings confirms the “actual fact” our partner has these thoughts and feelings, that first need to be embraced if we are to begin meaningful discussion about differences. This does not diminish our own thoughts and feelings, but merely distinguishes them. This now becomes the vital entry point for deeper discussion and increased connection.Remember the goal is not about our “winning,” but rather about protecting our relationship from “losing.”Matters of right and wrong and blame should never be the end of discussions but instead the beginning of them.