Is Commitment Phobia Packed in Your Emotional Baggage?

Tom (to therapist): We've been dating for four years. Rachel wants to get married "someday," but it feels like that day will never come. We're both 34 years old and want kids.Rachel (to therapist): Tom pressures me to commit. Getting married is a huge decision and I don't feel ready.Tom: What else do you need to know about me?Rachel (tearing up): It's not you, Tom, it's me. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't know what's holding me back. I'm just scared.Therapist: Rachel, when people fear commitment and it's not triggered by something in the relationship, we have to look back at their history for understanding. What was your experience in previous relationships?Rachel: I've never had a long-term relationship. Before Tom, I would meet a guy, go on a few dates, find something wrong with him and break up. Tom is the only guy I've ever dated long-term.Therapist: Have you ever had a guy break up with you?Rachel: Never. I wouldn't give them that chance.Therapist: So why have you stuck with Tom?Rachel: I've never met a man like him. He's amazing - smart, fun to be with, honest and loyal to a fault and has a great heart. I love his parents; they are so kind to me. They have been married for 31 years.Therapist: Rachel, tell me about your family history and relationships?Rachel: My dad left us for another woman when I was seven years old. He and his new wife moved to Colorado when I was nine. After that, I only saw him for a couple of weeks every summer.Therapist: That must have been difficult for you.Rachel: I was sad in the beginning, but then I got used to it.Therapist: Is he still married to your step-mother?Rachel: Nope, just as my mom predicted, that relationship didn't last. When I was 14 he married his third wife and they have been together for 20 years.Therapist: What about your mom?Rachel: My mom went out with lots of guys, but vowed she would never get married again. She is still bitter towards my dad after all these years.Therapist: Now this is making sense. The root of commitment phobia is having experienced painful memories from previous relationships or from our emotional baggage as kids. Rachel, you witnessed your father betray your mother and then move far away. Your mom remained stuck in her anger and fear and never allowed herself to be deeply vulnerable again. What messages did you get about relationships while growing up?Rachel: That relationships don't last; that you can't trust or depend upon a man; and that the best way to protect yourself is not to get too close. I don't really believe Tom would ever betray my trust, but the thought of getting married terrifies me.Therapist: Therapy will help you separate your fears from childhood and your fears about marrying Tom. When we don't understand how our baggage is weighing on us, it controls us.Once Rachel faced her unresolved anger, fear and sadness about her father leaving, she recognized how these feelings had controlled her in relationships. Her mother's response, remaining stuck in anger and fear, conveyed that recovering or healing from loss was not possible.With this insight in therapy, Rachel was able to embrace her fear, understand that it was based upon her history, not on her relationship with Tom, and was able to move forward and marry Tom.Have you recently unpacked any emotional baggage related to commitment phobia?