Is "Supreme Love" Really Possible? Integrating Emotional & Erotic Love

"Supreme Love" - the desire for and expression of feelings and actions of love, emotional intimacy, romance, passion, lust and erotic intimacy.We start a relationship with "Supreme Love." Our intense feelings of attraction, liking, affection, loving and sexual desire are integrated; the forces aligned and balanced, come together effortlessly to create a fragile bond, though our strong feelings lead us to believe the connection is fierce and powerful, untouchable and safe.Our relationship manuals omitted the part that says:"If you want to maintain and build upon this supreme bond, you must nurture and water the seeds of emotional and erotic love." Both are necessary to have a truly complete relationship.Without attention, the fragile bond slowly and insidiously starts to weaken and the elements of "Supreme Love" begin to fragment. Often, women shift towards the emotional and affectionate elements of love, while men drift towards the lustful and erotic facets of love. It is the fragmentation of the feelings and expressions of love that cause much of the breakdown in relationships.The biggest challenge for couples who want a lifetime of "Supreme Love" is to nurture and reinforce both elements of their relationship, without drifting too far from either.Build Emotional IntimacyWhen do you feel closest to your partner emotionally?For us, it is when we have a conflict:Bob was going to arrange a weekend getaway for us to celebrate our anniversary and he put it off, as usual. When, at the last minute, he called the bed 'n breakfast that Lori had picked, it was booked. She was furious. "Why can't you ever remember to plan ahead for us? You just don't care; and you do this for a living," she yelled.We knew right away that we were emotionally charged and had to cool off before we talked. We sat down together at our kitchen table, which has become our "resolution residence" - the place we associate with working stuff out. Lori calmly expressed her chronic frustration with Bob's inattention to planning ahead. It left her feeling that she wasn't important to Bob; that he didn't care and she was hurt.Bob listened to Lori express her feelings, though it killed him to sit there, because he knew he had truly disappointed Lori. He apologized and said it was never his intention. Time got away from him and with his ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) he had not written it down. Lori accepted the apology trusting that Bob would not intend to hurt her.Next, Bob told Lori that it was really hard for him to deal with Lori's yelling. He knew she worked on keeping her volume down, but when she didn't, Bob became defensive and angry. He felt attacked and it made him withdraw and shut down. Bob said it was really hard for him to listen with an open heart when Lori did that. Lori apologized and said she "lost it" since she was extremely disappointed. Bob received her apology.There was a relief and letting go of anger and hurt. We looked into each other's eyes and said we loved each other. We shared a wonderful hug.The emotional journey we had just taken together was painful. We knew that if we didn't travel down the path of facing and embracing conflict, resentment would brew. We each took ownership for hurting the other. Through the tears we were both able to express our thoughts and feelings and be listened to respectfully; no judgment, no blame, no fault, just a genuine sharing of emotions from the depths of our hearts. That is emotional intimacy.Build Erotic IntimacyThe other half of "Supreme Love" is the nurturing of our erotic connection, stoking the fire of our passionate, romantic and sexual desire that attracted us to each other in the first place.First, a little education, since that also was left out of the manual! Here are some of the latest findings from the experts including Barry McCarthy, Michele Weiner-Davis and Pat Love.

• One in five couples live in a "sexless" marriage, defined as having sex less than ten times a year.
• About one third of married couples have mismatched sexual desire.
• Having sex once or twice a week is considered average.
• Only 40% of married couples report they are "very satisfied" with their sex lives.
• About 50% of the population needs to make a real effort to feel sexual desire.
• If there is healthy sexuality in a marriage, sex only plays a 15-20% role in relationship satisfaction; but in relationships with conflict about or avoidance of sex, it plays a much more powerful role in a couple's dissatisfaction.
• Married couples have better and more satisfying sex than single or divorced people.

In practice, one of the most common problems we see with couples is low-sex or no-sex relationships. Couples avoid sex for a variety of reasons, some of which are: not making sex a priority; stress and exhaustion; low libido; decrease in sex drive due to medication, hormonal changes, or menopause; performance anxiety; weight gain and body image issues; anxiety about intimacy; conflict, anger, feelings of rejection; use of pornography or internet sites; affairs; not feeling close emotionally or disengaged; boredom or mismatched libidos.Whatever the reason, what is clear is that avoidance creates more avoidance. Couples who allow their erotic connection to wane are at great risk for being unhappy in their relationships, one partner having an affair and/or divorce.Lovemaking, one of the few pleasures in life that has no calories and is free, is a wonderful and fulfilling part of a relationship. With conscious effort, a good erotic connection can be made great. Where there is low or no sexual desire, the sparks can be reignited when you identify the root of the sexual disconnect.Communicating with your partner about your sexual connection is vital. Most couples feel awkward talking about sex and avoid it. Do it anyway. Identify and discuss the roadblock(s) to an improved sex life in a spirit of love and respect. Make a commitment to address and change this part of your relationship together. Become a team and support each other in removing the roadblocks. Boost your partner's self-esteem and self-confidence with encouragement, compliments and appreciation.In addition, we recommend the following to increase your erotic connection. We call it:"The 10 Ts That Will Grow or Re-Ignite Your Erotic Connection"1) Talk - Tell each other what excites you or "turns you on."2) Tease - Make out on the couch or in the car with your clothes on.3) Touch - Flirt using sensual touch outside the bedroom.4) Tune-In - Ask your partner what would make him/her feel more loved.5) Take Time - Make your erotic connection a priority.6) Tune-Up - Be more creative, adventurous and playful with sex.7) Travel - Go away together to focus on your relationship.8) Toys - Use sexual toys.9) Try it anyway - Even if not in the mood, once you begin, desire will follow.10) Thank your partner - Express gratitude to your partner for their efforts.With attention and care, the fragile bond of emotional and erotic love - "Supreme Love" - will become stronger and deeper. This is the forever love that will last a lifetime.What do you feel is the best way to increase the erotic connection between you and your partner?