Lawless Relationships™ - The Hurts We Perpetrate & How to Heal Them

Relationships today are at risk. The divorce rate is still 50%. The marriage rate has never been lower. Life is more stressful and busier than ever. Couples try to balance career, children, aging parents and finances. Too much to do and never enough time. Written conversation, text and email, is replacing face-to-face communication.Everyday in counseling we see couples who have perpetrated hurt upon their partners. People argue, fight, disconnect, withdraw, stop talking, blame, betray. Sometimes, at the end of the day, we look at each other and say, “What is going on in this world?” It’s as if partners commit emotional crimes in relationships. And in some cases do it over and over. We've often wondered, “Why is this?”Our theory, in response to this question, is that we receive no training on the skills needed to communicate, express feelings, resolve conflict or deeply connect; except in our homes. The relationships our parents model may be woefully inadequate. There are no owners’ manuals, no regulations, no education or test required to apply for a marriage license. There are no laws. Relationships today are “lawless.”Building on this concept (and the fact that Bob was a lawyer in his former life) we created a system that addresses what we call Lawless Relationships™. Our new approach involves understanding and healing the hurts that we perpetrate upon our partners; and learning the skills needed to sustain relationships for a lifetime.Our system has three components - crimes we commit, duties we need to practice, and principles that provide a foundation for the method.Crimes refer to the ways in which we hurt each other, for instance:

• Blaming - pointing the finger at each other
• Stereotyping - labeling your partner
• Assaulting - yelling, screaming, name-calling
• Avoiding - withdrawing, shutting down

Duties are what couples must do to heal the wounds that result from the crimes we commit. By fulfilling these duties we create more ordered relationships - ones that have a structure with clear laws. Some examples, which will be explained in more detail, are:

• Duty to Protect the Relationship - learn and use communication skills, feed the relationship, set boundaries.
• Duty to Return to the Scene of the Crime - process the crimes that are committed and learn ways to avoid them in the future.
• Duty of Introspection - look inward to understand more about us, and our part of the problem, and the solution.

Principles are the underlying beliefs that tie the system together. Beliefs such as:

• Anger is a fraud that covers hurt and fear.
• Blame is a way to avoid the pain of owning our part of the problem.
• Strong emotions hijack us when we are upset which is why we attack or withdraw.

Our Lawless Relationships™ system has evolved from the work we have done with thousands of couples, helping many of them achieve the relationships they desire. This approach is a pragmatic one, and will be presented in a “step-by-step” format in future newsletters. If committed to and earnestly practiced, we believe it will help transform Lawless Relationships™ into ordered, healthy, and fulfilling partnerships that will last a lifetime.