Is Hurting the Partner We Love Inevitable?

Why do people hurt the ones they love? Some partners are self-centered; they focus on their own desires and not on the needs of the relationship. Their ability to compartmentalize allows them to act in destructive ways that end up perpetrating harm upon their partner. Self-interest trumps concern for the one they supposedly love.Sharon and Stu came to see us after Sharon was diagnosed with herpes. That was how she found out about Stu’s affair. During their 25-year marriage, Sharon had been faithful, so the only explanation was that her husband had cheated. Stu revealed that on a business trip he drank too much and slept with a woman he met at the bar. The possibility of contracting an STD was the furthest thing from his mind that night. Sharon stated she was willing to work on the marriage, despite her tremendous pain and anger.In our second session, Stu complained that Sharon wouldn't allow him back in their bedroom. Sue demanded that Stu sleep in the basement until she was ready to let him back in. Stu felt Sharon was doing this to punish him. She acknowledged that in a sense she did want to hurt him.We knew that Sharon’s conscious desire to hurt Stu went deeper than just wanting to punish him. Underneath was a strong need for her to communicate feelings other than anger. Sharon was convinced that Stu would never understand her feelings of pain, humiliation, and lack of control. She realized insisting Stu stay in the basement was her attempt to make him experience the pain, humiliation, and lack of control she went through.Her insight allowed them to talk more directly about her pain. Stu genuinely listened and expressed deep remorse and regret for what he had done. He was willing to do anything to keep their marriage and family together. We will continue working with them.In our system of Lawless Relationships™ the self-centered partner violates one of the basic “duties” of partnerships, the “Duty to Protect the Relationship.” Stu clearly crossed a boundary and committed the crime we call “breach of trust.”Trust is an essential element of all relationships. It is the foundation upon which all else rests. Though there are serious ramifications when trust is breached, couples can repair the damage if they have a strong commitment to do the necessary work.