Is Your Partner a Narcissist?

When we met seventeen years ago, Mike swept me off my feet. He was everything I wanted; I fell completely in love. Our sexual chemistry was intense.Once the kids came along, things changed. He seemed jealous of the time and attention I gave the kids. It was as if he didn’t want to share me. That’s when our arguing started. He began to stay out late and left me home to put the kids to bed. When I complained, he said, “You’re lucky you get to stay home with the kids.” He never understood my feelings.I started to walk on eggshells because I never knew how he’d react. One time he brought me flowers and the next day got so angry, he threw them in the trash. It felt like he threw “me” in the trash. I didn’t understand how he could be so mean.Other times he seemed sweet. He took me on a cruise to Bermuda. I felt like I had the old Mike back. We laughed and danced. It was the first time we had fun in years. As soon as we got back, I lost him again.When we went out with friends he flirted with some of the wives - right in front of me. I told him I didn’t like it. He said it was harmless and that I was being ridiculous and oversensitive. I wondered if he was right. It was like I couldn’t trust my gut any more. I felt lost, like I didn’t even know myself.Despite all of this, I still loved him. I was devoted to him, always trying to please. But it was never enough.Six months ago he went to Las Vegas on a business trip. There were a couple nights where I couldn’t reach him. He said his phone was turned off overnight.When he returned, I noticed him staying later at the office. One night I smelled alcohol on this breath. He denied drinking and said it was my imagination. I was confused and didn’t know what to think.It was only when I found the text messages from his co-worker that I had proof he was cheating. He tried to explain them away, but I didn’t believe his excuses this time. I badgered him for two days and he finally admitted he was having an affair with his co-worker. He said life with me had become boring.He said he’d come to therapy but really thinks I’m the one who needs help. Can you help us?I affirmed that Jane’s questions about her husband’s behavior were quite reasonable. In each instance Mike denied her concerns, invalidated her feelings and shamed her for asking. His manipulative responses left her feeling confused and doubting her perceptions. I told Jane, from her description, Mike sounded rather self-centered.Jane asked if her marriage could be saved. I replied it would depend on her ability to stand up for herself, and Mike’s ability to develop insight and empathy regarding his hurtful behavior and responses.I explained that Mike had several qualities of a narcissistic or self-absorbed person. Partners with narcissistic traits, may be able to change; however, partners with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, cannot.I shared with Jane that when a person has a personality disorder the traits are hardwired into the mental, physical, and psychological makeup of the person; and that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are so extremely self-absorbed that they cannot see or feel beyond what they desire. People with narcissism:

• Invalidate other people’s thoughts and feelings.
• Project blame onto others and lack the ability to self-reflect.
• Appear to empathize but don’t feel genuine concern for others.
• May intellectually see how they hurt others but are unaffected by the others’ feelings.
• Have an insatiable appetite for attention and admiration.
• Express love, but then emotionally distance like Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde.
• Lie and manipulate to get what they want.
• Are arrogant and have an exaggerated sense of self-importance.
• Feel entitled to better treatment than others.
• Exploit others without regard for their feelings.
• Lack a conscience or the ability to feel guilt.
• Have difficulty understanding and creating appropriate boundaries.
• Create confusion and doubt in others about their perceptions.
• Devalue, degrade and discard their loved ones.

Narcissists are the proverbial “wolf in sheep’s clothing” - seductive, intelligent, attractive, confident, and charming. Underneath they believe others exist to meet their needs. They are not wired to connect. The manipulation and emotional abuse perpetrated by a narcissist may be so insidious and covert, that it is hard for a partner to recognize, especially in a long-term relationship.Partners of narcissists are usually well educated, compliant and codependent. They look to please; and tolerate recurrent pain, repeatedly taking their partner back, to the detriment of their own sense of self and self-esteem. They may perpetually try to communicate with their partner but never get through.Jane recognized that Mike sounded a lot like the guy I described. She wasn’t sure what to do. Tune in to next week’s eNewsletter for the rest of Jane’s story.