How to End a Relationship That Hurts

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."– Anais NinJane was married to a narcissist. Mike could be kind and in the next breathe turn mean. Jane admired his confidence, but not his constant need to be the center of attention. After he cheated and lied, Jane decided she’d had enough.Mike wouldn't come to therapy. He showed little empathy for Jane’s feelings about his betrayal. After several months of therapy, Jane became more assertive and confident; she was tired of the pain. She became more afraid of staying in the relationship and missing her life than of leaving and possibly being alone.When Jane told Mike she was leaving, he was shocked, especially when his manipulative tactics didn't work. He made empty promises, played to her sympathy and guilt, became angry and controlling, and tried to create doubt about leaving in her mind.Over the next few months, it was hard for Jane to maintain her resolve. She had spent many years not trusting her gut and loving a man who was unable to deeply love her back.

Leaving an abusive partner is a very difficult thing to do. It frequently feels like you are failing, or destroying your family, or not trying to work things out, or not giving your partner “a second chance.” It hurts, and it’s scary. - Blaine Nelson

In therapy Jane strove to detach from the relationship and build her sense of self. She worked on:

• Not accepting blame for all the relationship problems.
  When conflicts arose and Mike refused to acknowledge his portion of the problems, Jane blamed herself. She now knows that both partners play a role in relationship conflicts.
• Allowing her anger and resentment to surface.
  It was difficult for Jane to admit and express her anger toward Mike. She was “too nice,” always making excuses for the way Mike disrespected her since he grew up in an abusive family. Jane now sees that she had a right to be angry with Mike for lying and cheating, even though she empathized with his painful upbringing.
• Believing she deserved more than he was able to give.
  As Jane’s self-esteem improved she recognized that she should be treated respectfully. She also began to understand that Mike’s ability to deeply love was limited.
• Growing more confident in her decisions.
  Jane allowed Mike to make the important decisions since she doubted her judgment and perceptions. As she grew to trust her thinking and intuition, she became more independent.
• Spending time with others.
  For years, Jane had isolated herself from close friends and family. They didn't “approve” of Mike. She thought they just didn’t understand him. Now she sees how Mike discouraged her from building other close relationships; he wanted all of her attention. In the future she will not allow any relationship to consume her.
• Finding new interests to pursue.
  During her marriage, Jane had given up her outside interests and took on Mike’s. She was excited to get back to the hobbies she used to enjoy.
• Building her self-confidence.
  During the time Jane spent in therapy, she ultimately found her sense of self and regained her voice. She knew she would never go back.

If you are in a relationship that chronically hurts, reach out for help. It is difficult to take that first step, but you are worth it, and you will be glad you did."Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together." - Author Unknown