Why Do Women Stay in Relationships That Hurt?

"So many people prefer to live in drama because it's comfortable. It's like someone staying in a bad marriage or relationship - it's actually easier to stay because they know what to expect every day, versus leaving and not knowing what to expect." - Ellen DeGeneresSome relationships just hurt. You’ve probably seen them with friends or family members; or maybe you’ve lived them.Bob and I have worked with many women who stay in relationships with men who hurt them emotionally. It’s often difficult for family members and friends to understand, since it seems obvious to those around her that she is being emotionally abused.Here’s how it goes. You see your friend, your mother, sister or daughter being repeatedly wounded by her partner in the form of insults and put-downs. He may be exceedingly critical; dismiss her feelings; blame her; control, dominate or manipulate her; make her feel guilty; disrespect her. And yet she doesn’t see it or makes excuses for him; or worse yet, blames herself for his behavior and the way he treats her.It can be maddening to watch someone you love accept this type of treatment. You find yourself asking, “Why does she stay in this hurtful relationship?” It seems so obvious that she should leave. The reasons women stay are certainly much more complicated than they appear.More deeply understanding the way women in painful relationships think will allow you to be more helpful. Here are some of the responses we have heard from women we’ve worked with:I Love Him - It may seem odd that she can love a person who treats her poorly, but emotions are not logical. She may have learned that love and pain are inseparable, especially if she had a painful relationship with a significant person in her history.I Can Fix Him  - There may be a sense of unrealistic hope. She may believe, “If I love him enough, he will get better,” no matter how many times he’s proved her wrong. The desire to fix or rescue him is stronger than her need to care for herself.It’s Not That Bad - Denial is a powerful defense. He can be as charming at times as he can be hurtful. She may rationalize, “Every relationship has its ups and downs.” “He doesn’t hit me. It’s not that bad.”I Feel Sorry for Him - If she is co-dependent, she’ll put his needs and feelings above her own. She is “over-understanding.” She may justify his behavior or make excuses for it, e.g. “he had a bad childhood; he was abused; no one ever loved him; he didn’t mean it.”If I Leave He’ll Fall Apart - He may have told her he can’t survive without her or he’ll commit suicide if she leaves. This plays on her sense of guilt about being responsible for him.He Promises He’ll Change - He uses her feelings of sympathy and manipulates her, yet the cycle of abuse, apologies and giving him another chance repeats.I’m Afraid To Leave - Fear may play a large part in her decision to stay. There is the fear of:

• Being alone. “I’ll never find anyone else to love me.”
• Facing the unknown. “At least I know what I have now.”
• Lack of support. “I have no financial and/or emotional support.” “I have nowhere to go.”

Underlying these reasons or rationalizations for staying in a hurtful relationship are feelings of low self-esteem, a lack of confidence, and a sense of worthlessness. Some women feel this is all they deserve and may invalidate their own pain.In therapy women can address the issues that keep them tied to a love that is unhealthy, and work towards understanding what healthy love feels like.When a woman begins to see that she deserves more and comes to the conclusion that there is no hope her hurtful relationship will improve, she will end it. For some women this may take a year or longer. If you or someone you know is in an emotionally abusive relationship, reach out for help.The greatest joy as a therapist is when a woman with a history of painful relationships finds a new and healthy one. She comes in and says, “It’s so odd that this person loves me and I love him and it doesn’t hurt. He is so kind to me. He gives without expecting anything back. It’s strange.” Yes, when you have been in hurtful relationships and you experience a healthy love, it’s different. And it’s wonderful. That’s how it is supposed to be.