3 Steps to Break Free From Conflict
"It's not what you don't know that hurts you. It's what you know...that just ain't so." - Sachel PaigeThe Couple to Couple® session began:Judy: I don’t like the way he talks to me. Last night I overcooked the chicken. He says sarcastically, “Mmm...Best chicken I ever had.“ We’re out with friends and he jokes: “Judy’s not as smart as you think. She got straight A’s in college ‘cause she slept with her advisor.” Tonight I’m rushing to get ready for our appointment and he says: “Take your time dear. We have all night.” He constantly puts me down.Roger: I’m just teasing. Why can’t she take a joke? She should understand my humor after all these years.Judy: Yeah, after all these years, I’m tired of being the butt of your sarcastic remarks.Judy (to Lori & Bob): This is second nature to him. It’s part of his personality. I don’t think that will ever change. He’s just mean.Bob: Judy, let’s take a deeper look into this. Your chronic argument about Roger’s sarcasm has developed into a pattern of verbally assaulting each other. That’s what is obstructing your communication.Lori: It’s the way you two are talking about the issue that is not allowing you to resolve this. Let’s slow it down and analyze what’s happening.Bob: Lori and I have developed a new approach to help couples talk about their relationships. Lawless Relationships™, using a legal metaphor, gives couples a new method to understand and heal the hurts that we perpetrate upon our partners.Lori: The system has three components: crimes, the offenses we commit that hurt our partner; principles, the beliefs that provide a foundation for this new approach; and duties, the commitments we need to practice to achieve a healthy relationship.Bob: Roger and Judy, it appears you are each committing “crimes” against each other. Here’s what I see: Roger, I believe your sarcasm is not intended to be hurtful or mean; you’re just poking fun. But Judy perceives it as a put-down or as verbal aggression. When you continually communicate this way and don’t hear the pain it causes her, you are committing the crime of “Harassment,” defined as annoying, provoking, irritating your partner repeatedly.Lori: Everyone’s got a part when communication breaks down. Judy, here’s what I see: You are committing the crime of “Stereotyping,” that is, simplistically defining and labeling Roger as a mean person. Roger feels pigeonholed; reduced to one characteristic, a “sarcastic person,” from head to toe, with little or no other redeeming value and no possibility of change.The verdict was in. Roger and Judy - Guilty as charged!Understanding this allowed Roger and Judy to move from arguing about who was right and wrong, to realizing that they were both committing crimes that hurt the other and their relationship.In the next few sessions we did some investigating and dug up relevant evidence that Judy had overlooked. We looked into the origins of Roger’s sarcasm. Turns out Roger grew up in a family steeped in a culture of sarcasm. He recalled his mother frequently commenting “Great job,” or “Thanks for the help” when his dad forgot to do chores. His father was controlling and criticized his mom when she made a mistake. He would say, “That’s brilliant,” or “Didn’t you learn that in elementary school?”Anger and frustration were expressed indirectly in the form of sarcasm. This is where Roger learned to be sarcastic. Watching his parents put each other down was hurtful to him. Once he realized this, he was able to express more empathy for Judy’s hurt.By pulling upon this most critical thread in his past, the stereotype of Roger as mean began to unravel. A clear and more genuine picture of Roger’s true character emerged.Through this process, Judy and Roger identified the crimes they perpetrated upon each other, learned more about themselves and each other, and recognized their parts in building a healthier relationship.Roger worked on cutting down his sarcasm and expressing his anger and frustration directly. Judy understood she shouldn’t label Roger and worked to appreciate his complexity.Judy learned about the “Duty of Investigation,” the commitment to look deeply into a partner and their history. Likewise, Roger fulfilled his “Duty of Introspection,” realizing that his sarcasm emanated from his upbringing, which hurt Judy.Next time you and your partner get stuck in a conflict follow these three steps:
- Investigate the Crimes being committed. Clarify the hurt you are causing your partner and the hurt he/she is causing you. Be able to express and discuss those feelings respectfully, as if you were in the courtroom.
- Observe the Duties of Investigation and Introspection. Understanding yourself and your partner will work to eliminate blame.
- Deliberate as a team to find solutions that will resolve the issue. Talk about what each of you needs to do to stop the hurt, heal the pain and create a more loving connection.
Case closed. Verdict in favor of the Relationship!