5 Steps to Creating "No-Fault" Conflict

"All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest, never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principle of equal partnership." - Ann Landers

The Case of Phil and Julie

Crime Scene:Nighttime at Julie & Phil’s8pm: Julie has just put their three young sons to bed. Phil walks in the door from work. He barely says hello and goes up to change.[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent="yes" overflow="visible"][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type="1_1" background_position="left top" background_color="" border_size="" border_color="" border_style="solid" spacing="yes" background_image="" background_repeat="no-repeat" padding="" margin_top="0px" margin_bottom="0px" class="" id="" animation_type="" animation_speed="0.3" animation_direction="left" hide_on_mobile="no" center_content="no" min_height="none"][Julie thinking] He’s been drifting away for the past few weeks, ever since he got that damn promotion at First National.Been down this road of hurt and frustration before. His work comes first. Doesn’t he know he made it to the top cause I’ve been home taking care of our three kids? Now I don’t even get a break in the evening.His insensitivity is mind-boggling. He doesn’t have a clue about the pressure I feel.Phil enters the kitchen.Julie: “Here’s your dinner.”Phil: “Julie, I’m so excited about the merger. It’s going to make us one of the strongest leaders in the financial market. Ed couldn’t stop talking about what a great job I’m doing.”Julie: “Great. I need to talk to you about Tommy.”Phil: “Can’t it wait? I wasn’t finished telling you about the merger.”Julie: “No it can’t wait! Tommy was sent home from school today for talking back to the teacher.”Phil: “That’s not a big deal. Boys do those things. I did that. It’ll work out.”Julie: “I’ve had it. It’s all about you! You are the most self-centered narcissist I’ve ever met!!”Julie gets up and leaves Phil sitting at the table, wondering what just happened.[Phil thinking] Where did that come from? She just blind-sided me, again. Doesn’t she appreciate how hard I’ve been working to provide for her? “Self centered narcissist?” Really? Boy, that hurts.Julie refuses to talk to Phil for the rest of the evening. She goes to bed without saying goodnight and doesn’t speak to him the following morning.The Next NightJulie greets Phil when he gets home. Phil thinks she seems less stressed, maybe sorry about her outburst the previous night. Neither Julie nor Phil mentions the angry explosion that Julie had, or how Phil felt about it.Charges Alleged Against Julie:  * Here, we charge Julie with multiple crimes:

• Count #1: Emotional Assault
• Count #2: Hit & Run

* We will focus on the crimes committed by Phil later. It is vital in our approach to address issues “one at a time,” without confusing the crimes.Count #1 - Elements of the crime of Emotional Assault:

1. The expression of anger verbally.
2. The verbal attack on our partner as determined or perceived by the receiver of the attack.

Count #2 - Elements of the crime of Hit & Run:

1. The commission of a crime.
2. The partner committing the crime leaves the scene of the crime without returning within a reasonable period of time.

Evidence:It has been established that Julie emotionally assaulted Phil, according to his subjective standard - a standard always applied to an alleged criminal behavior.And it has also been clearly established that Julie left the scene of the crime without returning for over 24 hours.Verdict:We find Julie:

• Guilty of Count #1: Emotional Assault
• Guilty of Count #2: Hit & Run

Rationale:Though in our model Julie is guilty of these crimes, we can certainly understand her thoughts and feelings. She is totally overwhelmed and feels that Phil, as usual, is engrossed in his own world of work, oblivious to what is going on at home, with her and their sons.She feels abandoned. Phil blithely pursues his career while she struggles with the difficult day-to-day responsibilities of running the household and caring for their three boys.Many at this point want to “rush to judgment” of Phil and may find it hard to focus on Julie’s crimes. However, in our model we must abide by the Rules of Engagement, meaning:

• Explore elements of the crime scene one at a time in an ordered, methodical and lawful manner; and,
• Proceed within our relationship without blame or recrimination in a way that will ultimately bring partners closer and create more connection with each other than ever before.

Next week we will address the charge of criminal Abandonment to be lodged against Phil. And we will discuss the Duties required of Julie and Phil, to return to the scene of the crime.Your No-Fault Plan of Action:Here’s what you can do in your relationship.

1. Commit to Creating a “Lawful Relationship.”Both partners must agree to do the “work” of the relationship; i.e., establish laws and processes to deal with the crimes that occur with every couple.
2. Return to the Scene of the Crime.When any partner in good faith alleges that a crime has occurred, it’s vital to go back and thoughtfully investigate what happened from each person’s point of view.
3. Analyze the Crime Scene.Focus on one crime at a time. Walk through a step-by-step analysis of the thoughts and feelings of each partner before, during and after the commission of that crime.If either partner alleges another crime, repeat the analysis for that crime.Remember every crime is just a cover for hidden hurt and fear that must somehow be exposed so it can healed.
4. Build Emotional Muscles of Discipline.Strengthen your listening skills. Practice the discipline of focusing on one person and one crime at a time. It is the only way to move from a lawless relationship to an ordered and fulfilling one, and to capture the fullest potential that your relationship has to offer the both of you.
5. Remember the “No-Fault” Law of Relationships.All crimes must be looked at without judgment and blame so they can be leveraged to create greater mutual understanding, forgiveness and connection.

When you follow the “No-Fault” Plan of Action, you will “Pass Go” and “Collect a Lifetime of Love.” Case to be continued...[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]