The Do’s and Don’ts - When Your Partner Becomes Distant

"Feelings are real and legitimate." - Unknown

The Case of Julie and Phil(Continued)

Crime SceneNighttime at Julie & Phil’sJulie sensed a growing chill in the air between she and Phil. It appeared his climb up the corporate ladder at First National had seductively lured him away from the family. Right before her very eyes Julie saw Phil withdrawing, and spending more time at work than with her and their three sons. The higher he rose in the company, the less he focused on the family.Phil’s concern for Julie and the kids clearly took second place. Julie struggled to decide if she should say anything. After all, this is what Phil had been working for his whole career. It allowed her to stay home with the kids. Isn’t this what she signed up for? How could she fault him for succeeding on the path they had agreed upon? He wasn’t just doing this for himself, though sometimes it felt that way. The conflict played over and over in her mind.The tipping point came when their son was suspended from school for mouthing off at a teacher. Phil couldn’t take off time to attend the conference with the principal. That night Julie told him what took place and expressed her worry. Phil minimized and invalidated Julie’s concerns.That’s when she verbally exploded on Phil. All the anger and frustration she’d been holding in came pouring out. She walked out of the room and didn’t speak to him for two days. Last week, in the Case of Phil and Julie, Julie was “tried and convicted” of the charges of Emotional Assault and Hit & Run.In that moment it appeared that Phil was the only victim of a crime. He was blindsided by her anger. But in fact, he had also committed a crime. Over the last several months, he had become disengaged from his family. Climbing his career ladder had consumed him.Charges Alleged Against Phil:We charge Phil with the following crimes:

• Count #1: Abandonment
• Count #2: Invalidation

Count #1 - Elements of the crime of Abandonment:

1. Leaving the relationship physically and/or emotionally.
2. Consciously or unconsciously, disregarding the harmful impact of that leaving on your partner.

Count #2 - Elements of the crime of Invalidation:

1. Nullifying, dismissing, denying, negating, disaffirming, diminishing or discrediting the thoughts and feelings of your partner.
2. Judging your partner’s feelings as right or wrong. (There are no “wrong” feelings.)

EvidenceCount #1 - Evidence relevant to the crime of Abandonment:The evidence against Phil was plain and simple. He:

• Gave up coaching the boys’ sports teams
• Increased his hours at work
• Came home for dinner sporadically
• Stopped doing household chores
• Neglected to plan a date for him and Julie in weeks
• Showed less affection and desire for sex

Clearly, Phil had withdrawn emotionally and physically from Julie and the boys. And he hadn’t noticed the impact on them.Count #2 - Evidence relevant to the crime of Invalidation:When Julie shared her concerns about their son getting suspended, Phil diminished them.VerdictWe find Phil:• Guilty of Count #1: Abandonment• Guilty of Count #2: InvalidationYour “No-Fault” Plan of ActionHere are the Do’s and Don’ts when you feel abandoned or invalidated in your relationship:1. Speak up.Don’t - Let anger and frustration build up.Do - Express your concerns in a timely manner.2. Set up a constructive dialogue.Don’t - Start the conversation with blame, criticism, accusations or alleged crimes; e.g., “I’m sick and tired of you...” “I can’t believe you...”Do - Start the conversation positively; e.g., “I’m sharing my concern to help our relationship,” “It would mean so much to me if you...”3. Describe evidence directly and clearly.Don’t - Use judgments, name calling, obscenities; e.g., “You are such a jerk...”Do - Share factual and behavioral evidence. Be specific; e.g., “I noticed you’ve been spending more hours at work...” “I love our date nights. We haven’t gone out together since...”4. Focus on how the situation or behavior impacts you.Don’t - Use “You” statements, generalizations (all or nothing), or state evidence negatively; e.g., “You haven’t...” “You always/never...”Do - Use “I” statements that describe the affect your partner’s actions have on you; e.g., “I feel frustrated when you...” “I would be so happy if you would...”5. Listen to your partner’s response.Don’t - Solely focus on your complaint. Give him/her an opportunity to explain or help you understand his/her actions.Do - Remember that your partner’s intention is not to hurt you.6. Create action steps as a result of the conversation.Don’t - End the conversation without an action plan.Do - Discuss what you will do as a result of the conversation. And follow-up.7. Appreciate your partner for listening.Don’t - Take him/her for granted.Do - Express your gratitude for your partner having dialogue about difficult issues, for patience, for hearing you.This “No-Fault” Plan of Action, if followed diligently will set you free.