Power Up Communication by Finding The Lost Conversation - Part II
‘The Lost Conversation’ is the one that goes beyond the spoken word, diving deeper into the conflict, to uncover the hidden and unconscious conversations. Below the surface, it searches for understanding and meaning within each individual and their relationship.
Elements of the Lost ConversationEvery time we have one conversation, we are actually having three. In other words, one exchange between two people equals three conversations:1) The Spoken Conversation – the exchange of words2) The Hidden Conversation– the unspoken messages (thoughts and feelings) being communicated below the surface3) The Unconscious Conversation – the deeper exchange that comes from our emotional baggageIn this paradigm, there is no right and wrong because at this level, both partner's perceptions are always "right." The Lost Conversation aims to move the conflict from an angry place to one that is more intimate, respectful and curious about each person's feelings.Last week, we shared Olivia and Frank's most recent conflict about money in our Couple to Couple® Coaching session. And we identified the Hidden Conversation, the unspoken dialogue we "heard" knowing their backgrounds.Today, we are diving deeper into the Unconscious Conversation, the conversation you may not be aware of, but that significantly affects your communication and your relationship.The culmination of all our childhood experiences, good and bad, is the lens through which all communication and relationships are filtered. Our emotional baggage affects how we see the world, how we interpret what our partner says and does, and our feelings about significant issues in our lives, such as money.The Three Conversations Between Olivia and FrankThe Spoken Conversation was as follows:Olivia: Frank gave a $500 donation to the Children’s Hospital! I don’t understand how he could do that; and, without asking me! That’s more than we can afford.Frank: You’re so uncharitable! You never want to donate money. I make $100,000 a year; you’d think we were starving.Here was the Hidden Conversation we observed:Olivia: In my first marriage, I naively depended upon my husband to make all the financial decisions. I was shocked and devastated when his small business went bankrupt and we lost our home. I hold onto money and want us to discuss financial expenditures because I don’t ever want to be in that situation again.Frank: Why doesn’t she trust me? We have been married for nine years and I have worked hard to get to this income level. I donated so much to the Children’s Hospital because my brother asked me to. His son, my nephew, had heart surgery there which saved his life.And, after we explored their childhood baggage, we were able to help them locate the Unconscious Conversation:Olivia: My father died when I was twelve years old and left my mom to raise me and my brother. Mom worked two jobs to support us and struggled to make ends meet. It scares me to make a big donation since I may need that money if anything ever happened to you.Frank: Growing up in a middle class family, my father taught us that no matter what our income was, there were always people worse off than us. Giving to others was a strong family value. I especially feel strongly about donating to the hospital that saved my nephew's life.Finding the Lost ConversationAfter sharing the Hidden Conversation and the Unconscious Conversation with this couple, they found the Lost Conversation. Having gained a much deeper understanding of the reasons and motives for their feelings, Olivia was able to recognize that Frank was donating out of a sense of strong family values and wasn't being frivolous with their money; Frank was able to understand that Olivia's feelings weren't a reflection of her trust in him or her charitableness, but that she was anxious about money.In Couple to Couple® Coaching Olivia and Frank learned that conflicts were much deeper than they had imagined. We encouraged them to find the lost conversation every time they got stuck in an argument.Out of respect for each other's needs they decided:
- Frank would increase his life insurance to decrease Olivia's anxiety.
- Olivia and Frank would make yearly donations but would make these decisions as a team.
- Olivia and Frank would review their financial position quarterly.
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Your relationship deserves the highest level of support. Relationship Experts, Bob and Lori Hollander are committed to helping individuals and couples build connection and deepen bonds in a world that often makes it difficult.Call them at 410-363-2825 or email them today, info@relationshipswork.com.