Power Up Communication by Finding the Lost Conversation: Part I
'The Lost Conversation' is the one that goes beyond the spoken word, diving deeper into the conflict, to uncover the hidden and unconscious conversations. Below the surface, it searches for understanding and meaning within each individual and their relationship.
One plus one equals three when it comes to conversation. That is, one exchange between two people equals three conversations:1) The Spoken Conversation - the exchange of words2) The Hidden Conversation - the unspoken messages (thoughts and feelings) being communicated below the surface3) The Unconscious Conversation - the deeper exchange that comes from our emotional baggageHere, right and wrong have no place, because at this level, both partner's perceptions are always "right." The Lost Conversation aims to move the conflict from an angry place to one that is more intimate, respectful and curious about each person's feelings.In a Couple to Couple® Coaching session with us, Olivia and Frank described their most recent conflict about money.Olivia: Frank gave a $500 donation to the Children's Hospital! I don't understand how he could do that; and, without asking me! That's more than we can afford.Frank: You're so uncharitable! You never want to donate money. I make $100,000 a year; you'd think we were starving.Who's right - Olivia or Frank?The answer is, they are both right from their perspectives. Their lack of communication and curiosity about each other's point of view is the roadblock here.Below is the Hidden Conversation we shared with Olivia and Frank, i.e. the unspoken dialogue that we "heard" knowing their backgrounds.Olivia: In my first marriage, I naively depended upon my husband to make all the financial decisions. I was shocked and devastated when his small business went bankrupt and we lost our home. I hold onto money and want us to discuss financial expenditures because I don't ever want to be in that situation again.Frank: Why doesn't she trust me? We have been married for nine years and I have worked hard to get to this income level. I donated so much to the Children's Hospital because my brother asked me to. His son, my nephew, had heart surgery there which saved his life.Once we shared the Hidden Conversation with this couple, they were better able to have an open and empathetic dialogue about this issue and, for the first time, listened to each other's point of view instead of arguing and getting stuck in their positions.Next week, we will reveal their third conversation, the Unconscious Conversation, and share how they worked it through.We would love to hear your thoughts about money and communication on our Facebook page.
Your relationship deserves the highest level of support. Relationship Experts, Bob and Lori Hollander are committed to helping individuals and couples build connection and deepen bonds in a world that often makes it difficult.Call them at 410-363-2825 or email them today, info@relationshipswork.com.