How to Find Your Assertive Voice

"To know oneself, one should assert oneself." ~ Albert Camus

Dana arrives home from her once a month girls' night out at 11pm. Rod promised her he would have the kids in bed and the dishes cleaned up by the time she got home. She walks in to find the kids in the family room and a stack of dishes in the sink.Dana: You promised the kids would be in bed and the kitchen would be clean! You never keep your word. I'm sick and tired of being the only responsible one around here.Rod: The kids and I wanted to watch the end of the movie. What's the big deal?Dana screams, "You just don't get it!" as she walks upstairs and slams the door.Rod yells upstairs, "You are so rigid I can't stand it. It always has to be your way. You are so controlling."Sound familiar? Often times, when we speak in anger our communication is aggressive. We:

• Start sentences with "You"
• Blame and attack the other
• Exaggerate using the words "never" and "always"

Our partner may mirror our style and give us a defensive and aggressive response back. He:

• Starts sentences with "You"
• Counter-blames and attacks
• Provides facts to disprove our exaggeration
• Invalidates our feelings

Consequently, the conversation either escalates and a fight ensues or the couple retreats and withdraws. Either way nothing gets resolved.If Dana used an assertive style here's how the conversation would go:Dana: Rod, when you promise me you will have the kids in bed and the dishes cleaned up, and don't keep that promise, it makes me feel angry. I come home expecting to be able to relax but instead the kids want me to put them to bed and the place is a mess. It feels stressful, like I can't count on you.Rod: Sorry honey, I know it means a lot to you to walk in and feel like everything's been done. I will do a better job next time.Speaking assertively means we:

• Start sentences with "I" to indicate that we "own" the feeling
• Describe the bothersome behavior
• Identify, not judge, the other person's actions
• Express how the action makes us feel and what affect it has on us
• Ask for what we need

Using assertive messages usually begets a more humble, non-defensive and agreeable response from our partner. He takes responsibility for his behavior, acknowledges our feelings and works on problem solving.Here are the steps to creating an assertive statement:1) Identify the behaviorWhen...

• I’m criticized
• I’m not feeling heard
• The towels are left on the floor

2) Describe your emotion or what it makes you thinkI feel...

• unappreciated
• worried
• hurt
• frustrated
• sad

I think...

• I’m no good
• I’m not worth listening to
• I’m not important

3) State the affect/impact it has on youBecause...

• We are not connecting
• I am not getting you to understand
• I have to clean it up

4) Ask for what you needI need to...I would like...It would mean a lot to me if...I’d appreciate it if...It would make me so happy if...Learning to communicate assertively takes time. It may be awkward at first but with consciousness and practice, it can become your habitual style. Assertiveness can vastly improve your communication with your partner. Try it and see what a difference it makes!We would love to hear your thoughts about assertiveness on our Facebook page.Here’s to your relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander

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Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.