When You Speak Up, Be Assertive
"The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well-being of others." ~ Sharon Anthony Bower
Do you ever fear speaking up to your partner? Or do you speak up too boldly at times? As Dr. Phil would say, "Is it workin' for ya?"Each of us has a style or pattern of communicating in our relationships. We may generally be passive, assertive or aggressive. Passive meaning we put others' needs before ours and may let people take advantage of us; aggressive meaning we put our needs before others' and step on their rights; and assertive meaning we respect our needs and others' needs and we try to compromise or negotiate so both people get their needs met, at least partially.In our love relationships, being passive, assertive or aggressive creates the dynamics, the tone of the relationship and the balance of control and power between partners. It also creates the degree of authenticity in the relationship since it is only when we speak up that we are our most genuine selves.Think about how this plays out in your relationship. When two partners are passive, i.e. neither speaks up, there is little genuine conversation. Avoiding conflict is a high priority. When two partners are aggressive, they may be genuine but in a way that disrespects and hurts the other. Getting your way is most important and the relationship may be volatile or explosive. When one partner is passive and the other is aggressive there is an imbalance of power with one partner getting his/her needs met most of the time and the other submitting.To create the most genuine and loving of relationships, you and your partner must be assertive, speaking up honestly, openly and directly about what you want and need, and respect each other's feelings.Becoming conscious of your general communication style, allows you to remain in your habitual mode of communicating or make the choice to speak up assertively. Here are three keys to being assertive in your relationship:1) Remember you are a team.For any team to win there has to be support for all the "positions." In relationships there must be respect for each person's point of view and desires. Only after each partner speaks their point of view, can you problem solve and make the best decisions. No matter what the outcome, each person needs to have their say.2) Acknowledge the other's point of view even if you don't agree with it.Helpful responses are ones like "I can see why you feel that way" or "Help me understand your perspective." The act of being curious about your partner's way of seeing things creates respect and moves the conversation away from who's right and who's wrong.3) Own your needs and desires.Take responsibility for what you want using "I" statements. Talk about your wishes without getting into who is correct or incorrect. Chances are you are both right from your perspectives.Being assertive in your relationship is the healthiest, most authentic way to communicate and it is the path to creating the deepest connection with your partner.We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about being assertive on our Facebook page.To your relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander
Have you downloaded our FREE eWorkbook, How Close Are You to Extraordinary?
Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships.