Don't Be Afraid to Speak Up
"A voice is a human gift; it should be cherished and used, to utter fully human speech as possible. Powerlessness and silence go together." ~ Margaret Atwood
Have you ever wanted to say something difficult to your partner and yet you don't speak up?For most of us the answer is yes; and, for many people, this is the norm.Not speaking up or voicing our authentic thoughts and feelings in a relationship is one of the most common obstacles to healthy communication, and it can lead to a very unbalanced partnership.So why is it that we don't just speak our minds? The answer is simple: fear.
- Fear we will hurt the other
- Fear we will not be heard
- Fear we can't effectively put our thoughts and feelings into words
To have a healthy relationship it is vital for both partners to speak up in a kind way; in a way we will most likely be heard, and in an assertive way where we own our statements and responses.Here are the three tips that can help people address these fears and find their voices:1) It is really "not speaking up" that will hurt the other person.When thoughts and feelings go unspoken and are swept under the rug you may think you are letting them go but actually you are repressing them and storing up resentment. At some point, even the most non-assertive, quiet person will get to the last straw and may even explode. It is much healthier to address issues and feelings as they occur and have no lumps under the rug that you may trip over.2) Ask yourself how you can communicate your authentic thoughts and feelings in a way they will most likely be heard.We all receive information, thoughts, feelings, criticisms in our characterological way. In other words, we all have an automatic style of responding we generally use. If you can determine your partner's habitual way of responding, you may be able to figure out the best mode of communicating your message: talking, writing, emailing, texting. One caution here is you don't want to depend on writing, emailing or texting to continue the dialogue since you miss the tone and the body language that communicates so much more than just the words. Work towards in-person communication.3) Think about what you want to say ahead of time and write it down.When we are emotional it is hard to be logical. You may think you know what you are going to say but in the emotional moment you may go blank. Writing your thoughts and feelings down before the conversation helps you clarify and organize your points, allows you to make sure you are using "I" statements not "You" statements and supports you in creating a message that truly communicates what you need to say. It will also help you remember your points more clearly; some people even bring their notes to the discussion.We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about the fear of speaking up on our Facebook page.To your relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander
Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.