The Key to Listening During Conflict
"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." ~ George Bernard Shaw
"How many times do I have to tell you...?"Why don't you ever listen to me?""You just don't get it."Sound familiar? How often have you and your partner communicated, or so you thought, only to find out that you hadn't truly understood what the other meant?Listening sounds simple; in reality, it is anything but easy, especially when a conversation is emotional. Miscommunication during difficult times happens with all couples and the unintended consequences can be the buildup of frustration, anger and resentment if couples don't practice effective listening skills.What we have found in practice and in our own marriage is the key to listening during conflict is to practice a technique we call, "making each other's case." This will ensure you and your partner are heard.Bob created this concept from the days gone by when he was a lawyer. (He is since "recovering.") The idea is that a lawyer has to get the facts, understand the story and make his client's case before the court. The lawyer may not agree with the client, he may not fully believe his client, and he may not even like his client, but his job is to understand the client's position well enough to present it to others.The problem with couples in conflict is that each partner is more focused on making their own case than on understanding their partner's. So, as couples are working through conflict in a calm manner, try making each other's case. Take turns being the lawyer for each other: get the facts, understand your partner's perceptions and state his/her case, even if you don't like it, even if you don't agree with it.Once you are able to make your partner's case, you will have a deeper understanding of his/her thoughts and feelings; you may be able to see more fully why your partner feels the way they do and vice versa. Even if you don't agree, the act of having been listened to and heard is what each partner truly wants. When both sides are heard and understood it is much more likely to reach compromise and resolution.We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about making your partner's case on our Facebook page.To your relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander
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Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships.