Stay or Leave? 3 Questions to Ask Before Deciding to Divorce
"Some of us think holding on makes us strong,
but sometimes it is letting go." ~ Hermen Hesse
"We are best friends but we haven’t had sex in over a year.""We fight about the same issues all the time and nothing ever gets resolved.""My husband cheated and I’m not sure I can ever trust him again."People in these situations often wonder, "Should I end my marriage?" Since relationships are so complex, this is one of the most difficult questions individuals face especially when they have children. At the start of marriage counseling, clients often feel hopeless having tried everything they can think of, or just having "put up" with issues until some breaking point.Our advice to people, assuming there is no domestic violence, is to encourage them to work with us in therapy and try to save the relationship. The way we look at it, you can always decide to get a divorce; and there is so much invested in a committed relationship it pays to see if therapy can help.Here are the three questions we ask people to think about and work through before deciding to divorce:1) What is the value of saving the relationship?When difficulties bring people to therapy, they are focused on wanting to get away from the problems that brought them in. It feels uncomfortable to embrace the problems and their partner; there may be tremendous anger, hurt and resentment. We help people focus on why they originally married the person and what has changed. We ask them to "make a case" for staying married.2) How will your life look as a result of separating: emotionally, financially, with kids, with future relationships?Sometimes individuals have not really thought through what their future would look like if they divorced. Questions to think about include, "How emotionally painful would it be for you and the kids? Where would you live? How would you feel being alone? What would happen to your children? How would it be to share custody? How would it feel when your ex has a new partner who is caring for your children? How will you relate to your partner's family? What would your financial status be? What would it be like to start over looking for a relationship? How would you feel about having a blended family?" The consequences of divorce are endless.3) Can you walk away feeling 99.9% confident the two of you tried everything you can to save the relationship?It is vital when people make the decision to leave they are as sure as is humanly possible. The worst thing is to divorce and look back down the road thinking, "I wonder what would have happened if..." or "I didn't realize how good I had it."We encourage people to think long and hard about ways they can make their relationship work, before thinking about ending it.We would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about deciding to stay or go on our Facebook page.To your relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander
Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.