The Key to Effective Communication
The couplestherapy session began:
Jason andMonica were at an impasse in their chronic conflict about how careful they shouldbe to protect themselves from COVID-19. Their arguments always ended up in abattle about who is right and who is wrong. The result: a dead end. Nounderstanding or empathy for the other’s point of view. No coming together toresolve their differences. No problem solving.
Arguing about right and wrong is one of the biggest roadblocks we see in couples. It prevents them from learning more about each other and using their differences to deepen their relationship.
Focusing on “right” and “wrong” consistently turns intoa lose-lose battle. It:
Complicates the issue at hand;
Signals judgment of your partner’s thoughts and feelings;
Polarizes the conversation; and.
Creates disconnection.
We asked Monica and Jason what they agreed on. Both of them said they wanted to avoid the virus and stay healthy. That’s where we started.
Bob explained: Thoughts and feelings are not “right” or“wrong.” The way we see it, all thoughts andfeelings are “right” in the sense that they are genuine representations of whateach partner is thinking and feeling.
The key to effective communication is not to determine whois correct; it’s to help your partner learn and understand more about who youare and what you think and feel. It requires patience, listening and empathy.
Next time you and your partner find yourselves in the right-or-wrong tug of war, don’t focus on getting agreement or convincing your partner about the “rightness” of your position. Be curious about each other’s point of view. Ask questions and dig deep. Work to understand why your partner sees it that way. Discover more about the lens they are looking through.
The exploration of contrary thoughts and feelings offers the opportunity to connect, validate each other’s point of view -- whether or not we agree, build trust, and work as a team. The result is a stronger relationship.
Remember the goal is not about “winning,” but rather about protecting our relationships from “losing.” Matters of right and wrong should never be the end of discussions, but rather the beginning.
Your relationship deserves the highest level of support. Relationship Experts, Bob and Lori Hollander are committed to helping individuals and couples build connection and deepen bonds in a world that often makes it difficult.
Call them at 410-363-2825 or email them today, info@relationshipswork.com.
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