The Parallel Journey: Road to Intimacy
How much does your partner know about your history? Have you kept old family secrets hidden in the closet or just never wanted to talk about your painful memories?In our work with couples, we often do a parallel family history, meaning each partner tells the story of his/her family of origin with the other in the room. As each person speaks, we draw the family tree on our whiteboard to get a "visual" of the family and take a look at the relationships. We have been surprised by how often one partner will find out something about the other partner's history that they did not know.As we unearth, understand, unravel and unlock the family annals, we dig to find out what we have learned about relationships growing up and from whom. We look to understand our parents' relationship and how that affected us. We look at our grandparents' relationships to gain a deeper understanding of who our parents were as individuals and as a couple.Creating your family tree from a relationship point of view and examining the legacy of relationships, provides you with a powerful tool. When couples share and understand more about the webs that were weaved in their families and gain an appreciation for each other's history, it creates a profound sense of connection, a greater understanding of each other and a deeper intimacy. It allows you and your partner to help carry each other's bags.This is an enlightening exercise to do with your partner. After you draw your family trees, ask each other:
- What were the most important lessons I learned about relationships (good and bad)?
- What was the quality of the family relationships and how did that affect me?
- How have I carried forward what I have learned (in a positive and in a negative way)?
- In what ways does my current relationship emulate my parent’s? And in what ways is it different?
- What is my vision for my own relationship? What steps can I take to get there?
The ultimate purpose is to co-actively and purposefully create the relationship legacy you want – the one you will leave for your children. They will be watching.