The Quickest Way to Connection - Mutual Empathy

“Empathy lies in our ability to be present without opinion.” - Marshall Rosenberg

Rob sensed the chill. Out of the blue, Sara became distant and snippy. He asked Sara what was wrong. She alleged that Rob was “checking out” a woman standing in line, while they waited to get their tickets for the movie. She felt abandoned, again. What could have been a fun evening out was cut short.Rob felt defeated. He devoted his life to Sara and their kids and would never betray her. He also understood the impact of Sara’s past, growing up with a narcissistic father who cheated on her mother, for years. When she was 18 her dad left the family in a precarious place, both emotionally and financially.  Her mother struggled working two jobs to keep the family afloat. Sara worked her way through college.Though Rob was well aware of the trauma Sara and her mother experienced, he was tired of being accused of something he didn’t do. Rob felt he was paying the price for the “crimes” his father-in-law committed.In counseling, Sara agreed that Rob had never really given her any reason to doubt his fidelity. She acknowledged that even the thought that Rob was looking at another woman was a trigger for her. It unconsciously “hijacked” her emotions; and transported her back to being that little girl who felt betrayed.Next she would shut down, withdraw from Rob and stereotype him as a narcissistic self-centered man. Rob would respond by becoming critical and defensive.Sara owned that her anxiety belonged in the past. She realized she actually set up the situation where Rob would repeatedly abandon her. She expressed empathy for Rob’s feelings about being falsely accused. As Sara’s self-awareness grew she was able to tell Rob immediately when she was triggered. She pulled him closer instead of pushing him away.Rob’s part of the solution was to tap into his empathy and enter Sara’s world when she was momentarily captured by her past. That allowed him avoid his defensive reflex and reassure Sara that he would always be there for her.Mutual empathy was the tool that brought connection to this couple. It can do the same for you.