The Single Most Important Ingredient in Relationships
"I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship." - Brene Brown
Jim: You’re always on my back. I’ll clean up the basement when I get to it. It’s not my priority.Jan: Exactly, it’s not your priority. The kids and I haven’t been able to use their playroom for two weeks.Jim: I have to prepare my presentation to the Board of Directors.Jan: It’s always something. When am I ever your priority? Just because I stay home with the kids and run the house doesn’t mean my job is less important than yours.Jim: Well, if I’m not ready for my presentation, you won’t be able to stay home anymore.
Jan feels put down and taken for granted as a mom and wife. Jim feels overwhelmed and unappreciated as the provider. When their needs compete, they argue. Their respective lack of empathy creates conflict. After the boxing match, they feel beaten up and retreat - until the next round.In therapy, Lori and I reflected upon how Jan and Jim's chronic arguments always wound up at the same dead end. Their unending loop of non-productive and destructive communication kept leading them down a path to “the death of a relationship by a thousands cuts.”What seemed like chronic bickering about the “little” things led to a “big” sense of alienation between these two partners. For their marriage to survive, they needed to dismantle this dynamic consistently so the small cuts would heal over time.Empathy is the antidote - - the cure healing disagreements and resentments.In session we asked Jim to use the tool of empathy by first putting his feelings aside and to validate Jan’s point of view.Jim asked, “How can I do that when I don’t agree with her point of view?”This is the most common roadblock to practicing empathy. Partners think understanding the other’s point of view means agreeing with it.
To genuinely feel empathy, you must make the critical distinction between “agreement vs. understanding.” You can understand another’s thoughts and feelings without agreeing. This is not a denial of our own thoughts and feelings. It’s your venture into your partner’s world, separate from your own personal thoughts and feelings.Empathy is a deep understanding and acknowledgment of the other’s subjective thoughts and feelings, and for the moment, making them your own.The purpose of the exploration is not to placate, but rather to understand more fully. Uncovering the other’s critical perspective provides a moment of connection vital to the relationship.Of course, the journey is not complete until next our partner does the same for us.The result is mutual understanding and validation protecting the relationship and paradoxically creating a stronger bond with our partner. Emotions calm down and connection increases. Our sense of security and trust in the relationship grows.We connect over the “fact” we have two different perceptions, in an effort to find our way back to the one we love.Once Jan and Jim learned the art of empathizing with each other, they worked it out!We, Lori and Bob, are on to our next couple!