Use "Space" to Grow Your Relationship
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. ~Jerry Seinfeld
Sam: "Honey, I'm going to visit my brothers for the weekend. The three of us thought it would be fun to get together like old times."Olivia: "What about me? What am I going to do all weekend?"Sam: "You can hang out with your girlfriends and have some time to yourself."Olivia: "Time to myself? I don't need time to myself. That's why I married you."Sam: "Olivia, it's not about you. I just need some space."How often have you heard that from your loving husband or wife?Conventional wisdom has it this is a man's line, but we have seen many women who "need space" too. What does this really mean, that your partner wants to get away from you? Literally speaking, yes. But most often it just means that he/she needs to reclaim his/her individuality and get back to himself/herself.In marriage, couples need closeness and connection, AND they need separation and individuality; how much we need varies from person to person. In relationships, couples typically negotiate this since there is no "right" ratio. We've seen couples who spend most of their free time together, go on vacation together, shop together. And we have seen couples who have their own hobbies and take separate vacations.What's important is that you and your partner are satisfied with your ratio. Often we have couples where one wants more time together and is offended when his/her partner wants to go on a golfing weekend or a women's retreat. It's important to understand that usually this is not a reflection of the commitment to the marriage but the individual's need for, well, individuality.Taking time apart feels really good when you get back together. Missing each other paradoxically creates the space to grow your connection.What are your thoughts about this issue? How have you negotiated this issue in your marriage? Share your thoughts with us on our Facebook page and let's get a dialogue going.Here's to your relationship,Lori and Bob Hollander
Lori Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD, and Bob Hollander, LCSW-C, JD, are licensed counselors and co-founders of Relationships Work, an innovative therapy practice and online resource center that gives couples 360 degrees of support for extraordinary partnerships. Sign up for Radical Relationships, a monthly eZine from Relationships Work, and receive Why Take the Journey to Extraordinary? absolutely free.