WARNING: Potential Emotional Hijacking Underway

Roger, the oldest of five children, grew up in a rough part of Baltimore City. Early on, he learned fighting was the only way he could protect himself. Using his loud voice to appear angry and explosive, he developed tools that kept him safe. The volatility characterizing him as a youth actually served to protect him from people who might otherwise have hurt or taken advantage of him.Eventually his family moved to a safer neighborhood. Though his environment changed, he maintained the “edge” he thought would continue to serve him well. However, his parents often complained he was defensive and hot tempered. Though his tough childhood was long ago, it seemed impossible for him to change his emotional response system.Even after Roger grew up, married Marti, and had two kids, he could not leave his past behind. Psychologically speaking, one never does. The survival tools of childhood had turned into a hurtful overreaction in his marriage. Marti witnessed him closing down and withdrawing many times when they had conflict. Marti was left confused and hurt. Despite Roger’s most marvelous qualities, there was a very distant part of him she disliked.Psychologically, our past becomes part of who we are. It defines how we cope. It underlies our fundamental personalities and it shapes our thoughts and feelings. Most often this is unconscious. We may not recognize the impact our history has on how we respond today.For Roger, any time there was conflict his feelings immediately and instinctively went from zero to sixty. His intense anger and fear from the past were felt in the present. It compromised his ability to think reasonably and self-reflect. To protect Marti from his anger, he would withdraw. This was a formidable barrier between he and Marti and prevented them from being able to resolve conflict.Anyone can be hijacked by his or her thoughts and feelings. When the past is triggered, we are all subject to being emotionally side-tracked and swept away.When we get emotionally hijacked, we need a discrete period of time before we are emancipated from such controlling hurt and fear. It is the duty of the partner who has not been hijacked to protect the relationship and not abandon his or her partner.How to do this? Well, that will be the topic of the next article. Stay tuned.